Parting Thoughts

Here we are. We have arrived at the present day. On this present day, I have decided to end this blog. It was a tough decision, but I think it's for the best.

I’ve had my fair share of fun, especially as a college student. But after all those hookups, I’m just tired. I’m tired of all the confusion, and I’m tired of being used for sex. I’m tired of being mistreated, especially when it’s for something that doesn’t even matter.

Plus, I am an independent person by nature. I enjoy being self-sufficient in every way possible. This is why, more than anything, I hate obsessing about the possibility of being with a guy. It’s pure torture, not knowing if it will work out or not. And yet, I can’t help but think about it all the time, even though I know how much it sucks to keep thinking about it.

Don't get me wrong, it would be nice to fall in love. However, I’m now ready to wait for the right person. The person whose personality clicks with mine, and with whom I have a Sexual Pull of Attraction that is off the charts.

I will actually matter to this person, just like I mattered to James. This person will inspire and encourage me to be my best, like T.J. did. He will love and trust me like Elton did. He will understand me just as well as Chris did. He will be smart, funny, interesting, considerate, and confident. This person will also be quite similar to me. I will not settle for anyone who is not just as awesome as me, and right now, there is nobody that I like better than myself.

Some parting tips:

1. Communication is key. The most important thing that I've learned from blogging is that the majority of the confusion in my experiences was due to a lack of communication. Sometimes the guy failed at communicating, sometimes I failed at communicating, and sometimes we both failed at it. No matter who was at fault, bad communication was the major culprit behind all those "boys are stupid and suck" moments.
2. When you find the right person-- or even when you really, intensely like the wrong person-- you just don't care about stuff. All that dumbass shit that James did at the end of our relationship? If I had been really into him, I probably wouldn't have cared.
3. For all my girls out there: work on being more obvious. Guys just don't understand hints. Or subtlety. They don't understand what you're trying to do unless you are completely, blatantly obvious. This might be scary, but you will get results one way or another.
4. There is no way to "mess up." If it is meant to happen, it will happen, regardless of what you do (or do not do). (Within reason. Whatever you do, don't be like my friend Mandy. She wants guys that she hasn't even talked to before to ask her out, without her doing a single damned thing to try to get to know them at all).
5. College is the worst place to date around (at least that is the case for my school). Guys are just trying to get experience in the sack, and are not looking for anything serious. (Unless they are still in their LTR from high school. And even then, they still want to fuck you).
6. The way a guy treats you when he is in a relationship is the same as the way he will treat you when he is out of it. "Just friends?" Still only "just friends." Wants to have sex? Still only wants to have sex. Nothing changes except his relationship status. If he were really that into you, he would break up with her to be with you.
7. Making the first move is not a good idea. If a guy is really into you, he will make the first move, even if he is shy.

And that is it for now. Don't worry-- Veronica won't disappear. My smoking, dirty-mouthed, lipstick-wearing, wild, sensual alter-ego will never be truly gone. She will always be there for me when I need her. In fact, I plan to incorporate more Veronica-ness into my daily life, as I work on being more obvious to the guys that I like.

Finally, I would like to thank you, my readers. It has been a great two months, and I hope you have enjoyed reading as much as I've enjoyed writing. And who knows, maybe I will start a sister-blog at some point.

Blow Me (One Last Kiss)

So I kept waiting for Mr. Math to contact me about "hanging out" that week. Especially since he had mentioned definitely hanging out that weekend during his ex's "Boyfriend/Girlfriend" thing. But instead, what I got was nothing.

No texts, no phone calls, no messages... nothing.

So I tried to take matters into my own hands. I asked him what he was doing on Saturday, and he said that he was at a long-boarding party. He didn't ask me what I was doing, or make plans to see me, or anything.

Since just a simple text hadn't gotten his attention, I decided that I needed to be bold. Since it was labor day weekend and we didn't have school that day, I contacted him on Monday evening.

Me: I've been thinking about you all day... and it's NOT innocent. ;)

And I got... no response. I was freaking out because he wasn't responding to me. He ended up texting me the following morning:

Mr. Math: Lolz, my phone died last night. But thanks for the consideration.

Ok, first of all. "Lolz?" Who the fuck says "lolz?!"

The phone dying did make sense as to why he hadn't responded to me, but I didn't appreciate his "thanks for the consideration" comment. He didn't seem at all disappointed that he had missed out on having amazing sex with me. Plus, he made no further arrangement to see me. It was definitely a rejection.

I responded with a bitchy, "No need to thank me. It's your loss." To which I got no response.

Then, I got Sam's opinion.

Sam: So you're telling me that he could have had sex with you any day this week, particularly this weekend? And he did nothing? He definitely was getting it on the side.

Sam, of course, was right.

Sam: If he doesn't know that you like him, your bitchy response might have confused him. You need to text him and tell him how you feel.

I had no idea how he could NOT know how I felt. Not only did I have sex with him when he was in a relationship, but I told him that I would have sex with him again even though he ripped my fucking vagina. I showered with him. I told him that I thought he looked good, despite the fact that he was sweaty and covered in paint from working on his apartment. Plus, in general, my face probably was glowing around him, as I show expression very easily. So in my opinion, it was no shit, Sherlock.

Me: Sam, that's not something that you should do via text.
Sam: Well, it doesn't look like you have any other choice. Your attempts to get his attention didn't work, so this is the only way.

So I bit the bullet and sent Mr. Math a text.

Me: I really like you, but I feel like you're just stringing me along/jerking me around. What's the deal?
Mr. Math: I'm kinda seeing somebody else right now. I'm not sure what's going to happen with me and her. Can we still be friends?
Me: Did you know how I felt?
Mr. Math: No, actually that came as a surprise to me :/

....What. An. Idiot.

Me: I'll be your friend if you answer my questions honestly. So you had no intention of dating me, you just wanted to fool around?
Mr. Math: Yeah, that's what I thought we were doing. Sorry if I was being confusing.


At least he redeemed himself. Kind-of. He hadn't known that I liked him, so he hadn't known what he was doing to me when he told me we were going to have sex that week, and then didn't even contact me.

Even so, the situation just sucked. I've only seen him once since this whole thing happened, and that was when I was waiting outside of my classroom one day and he walked into the building.

He came over and sat next to me, and we talked really awkwardly for about ten minutes.

That was it.

Another thing: he was the one who kept saying, "Let's be friends. Let's be friends. Let's be friends," and yet, he hasn't contacted me to hang out at all. Not even once.

Elton pulled that same shit when he and I broke up. And guess what? We have not talked to each other since. At all.

Some friend.

Anyway, here's the kicker: Mr. Math is now in a relationship. With a girl who is not the same girl he was skating with. Talk about player extreme. If he's wondering why I decided to post about him on here, that was it.

In the words of P!nk:

"White knuckles and sweaty palms from hanging on too tight 
Clench of jaw, I've got another headache again tonight 
Eyes on fire, eyes on fire, and the burn from all the tears 
I've been crying, I've been crying, I've been dying over you 
Tie a knot in the rope, trying to hold, trying to hold, 
But there's nothing to grab so I let go 

I think I've finally had enough, I think I maybe think too much 
I think this might be it for us (blow me one last kiss) 
You think I'm just too serious, I think you're full of shit 
My head is spinning so (blow me one last kiss)"

Maximum Confusion

Once I was done with my geology program this past summer, I returned to my apartment at school, and was just working full-time for the rest of the summer. Mr. Math made a point of contacting me a month-- and then a week-- before he was supposed to come back and fix up his apartment. In both instances, he made it clear that he wanted to hang out with me when he wasn't busy doing apartment stuff.

Score! I was so excited. It was definitely a good sign that he was already thinking about hanging out with me before he was even back at school.

When he came back, we definitely got it on. Before anything happened, I told him about The Problem. I was so worried that he would hate me and never talk to me again, but he proved me wrong. He was actually very sweet about the whole thing, apologizing and giving me a hug.

Mr. Math: So... does that mean I'm on your No-Sex List?
Me: *blush* Not exactly... *wink*

We went on to take a steamy shower together...

Then, since he had taken to the nasty business of The Problem so well, I decided to open up to him further and tell him about this very blog.

Me: So I started a blog.
Mr. Math: About what?
Me: About SEX!
Mr. Math: I want to read it! *then later* It's funny! I'm glad you didn't write about me... (hahahahaha... well, I hadn't then. and now... he can just suck it)

Again, good signs. He didn't run away from me waving a gigantic "Slut" banner.

Then things got complicated. I was trying to figure out if he actually wanted to date me or if he only wanted to have sex with me. But I was having a terrible time doing so.

Signs He Wanted to Date Me

• ·      When we got food one night, he shared his drink with me
• ·      We would talk about our lives
• ·      He gave me a foot massage
• ·      He would tell me that he wanted to hang out with me again the next day
• ·      We agreed to burn each other CD's of bands that we liked
• ·      He wanted me to meet his good friends
• ·    He would constantly start tickle fights with me
• ·      We were watching Fight Club, and that woman who was described as looking like "Meryl Streep's smiling skeleton" started talking about how she was dying, and how all she wanted was to have sex one more time. I said that that would probably be me. He patted me on the knee and said, "I’ll have sex with you when you’re about to die, even if you look like a smiling Meryl Streep’s skeleton. That would go against my rules for girls I normally sleep with, but for you I would.”
• ·      He made me a sandwich

Signs He Just Wanted Sex

• ·      One time he invited me to his place for the sole purpose of me bringing him alcohol. I'm over 21, and he is not.
• ·      He told me to take off my shirt when we were hanging out
• ·      We were discussing our animalistic night last March, and there were things that we each didn't remember about it. He said, "Let’s have sex when we’re both sober enough to remember it."
• ·      He told me that "Hanging tonight gave me something to do,” as if he didn't have anything better to do.
• ·      He would always make last-minute plans with me.
• ·      He would talk about the perks of being single
• ·      He told me to call him when The Problem was fixed
• ·      He talked about how other girls were hot in front of me

Based on these lists, I was pretty confused. However, I finally came to the conclusion that he just wanted sex. Most of the stuff on the first list could be explained by the fact that we were already friends. Furthermore, he had explicitly said that he wanted to have sex with me, but he hadn't explicitly asked me on a date or anything.

So I was fully prepared to take advantage of the fact that we both wanted to jump each other's bones. The last time I hung out with him, we basically were about to have sex, when his roommate walked in. Mr. Math told me that we definitely should "hang out" later that week (or rather, have sex later that week). I texted him on Wednesday asking him what he was doing that night. Mr. Math said that he was going skating. Well, okay.

I actually ran into him while he was skating. He was with some girl.

It took me awhile, but I finally figured out what bothered me about the situation. If nothing was going on with him and this girl, he would've said, "I'm skating with my friend [name]." However, he totally left the girl out of it, suggesting that he didn't want me to know about her.

However, he also kept stopping me from leaving.

Me: Well, I'll let you guys get back to skating then. *turns to walk away*

Mr. Math: Wait, what are you doing this weekend? I want to get away from my friends.

Me: Um... why?

Mr. Math: Because my ex is having her "Boyfriend/Girlfriend" thing and I do not want to be there for that.

Me: Well, I'm not sure what I'm doing yet. We could probably hang out. *turns to walk away*

Mr. Math: Oh, let me know the next time you go to the liquor store. 'Cause I need alcohol...

Me: ...Okay. *turns to leave*

Mr. Math: Do you have football tickets?

Me: No... but my coworker was trying to get me to go to a game.

Mr. Math: Well let me know when you decide to go to a game.

So here he was with this skater girl, and he kept calling after me as I kept trying to leave them to it. What gives?

I was beyond confused. And it was only about to get worse.

Men and Women Can't Be Friends

I just had a nasty fight with Bill. To refresh your memory, Bill was my friend that was interested in me, but I had absolutely no Sexual Pull of Attraction to him whatsoever. He came with me to the club that one time, and I had to dance with him and Nate at the same time, in order to ward off Old Dude.

Anyway, the last time I hung out with Bill, he invited me to his apartment to cook lunch. While the stir fry was cooking, Bill started salsa dancing with me to the music that was playing on his Pandora station.

I was having a good time dancing until Bill started trying to kiss me. To avoid it, I moved my head from side to side and kind of grimaced.

Needless to say, the rest of that lunch was really awkward. Bill turned on the triathlon recap on his T.V. and sat next to me on the couch; after that was over he turned the channel to a movie that was playing. Since I didn't like where this was heading, especially after he had tried to kiss me twice, I decided to head out.

My plan was to go grocery shopping, since Bill lived really close to the supermarket. Unfortunately, Bill decided to come shopping with me because he needed to go as well.

Ugh.

I didn't care what our mutual friend Kara kept saying-- that Bill was a catch. Sure, the guy looks really good on paper: he knows all about cooking, he is a good dancer, he is really smart, he would be a good provider, etc. But in spite of all that, I wasn't remotely interested in the guy.

After that nightmare, Bill kept texting me to go dancing with him at the club, and I kept saying no. I wasn't about to have him start trying to kiss me again-- or worse, pull an Old Dude-- and ruin a fun night out.

So because I kept saying no to his requests to go dancing, I decided to invite him to this Bollywood Night event that my coworker had invited me to. The event is taking place later today, but when I looked again at the event page, I realized that the event is being held a long ways away at the High School. As a result, I told Bill that I didn't want to go anymore.

Bill: Well, would you still want to do something else? We could chill and watch a movie, or we could go dancing.

Ughhhhhhhhhh... exactly what I had been trying to avoid in the first place.

Me: Do you want to get dinner at Cafe?

Cafe is one of my favorite restaurants here. I never get tired of going there (which says a lot really, on account of how easily bored I am). I love going there, getting fries and a veggie grinder, and sitting outside as I sip my flavored long-island iced tea.

Bill: Yeah that sounds good. Do you want to go back to your place afterward for some quality time? ;)

WHAAAAAAAAT??! HE DID NOT JUST ASK ME THAT.

No way in fucking hell was that going to happen.

Me: No, I have a lot of work to get done. Sorry.
Bill: Well I have a lot of work too, but I think de-stressing is necessary sometimes. If you ever want to de-stress with me, just let me know ;)

Ugh... Ugh... Ugh...

Then, Bill double texted me:
Bill: And I don't really like Cafe-- too expensive for generic food. Sorry.
Me: So then why did you say that it "sounded good" when I first suggested it?
Bill: Because it would have been fine if you had agreed to the plan afterward. Everyone likes incentives.

Ok, what the fuck?? So you would've gone there to get in my pants, but when I told you no, you say that you don't want to go there anymore? Fuck you, you fucking cunt.

Me: Wow... you are such a jerk.

Then, because I had called him a jerk, a nasty fight ensued.

In the end, he called me to apologize. Apparently, in the Indian culture, when you say "Yeah that sounds good," that does not imply that you made a definite plan with the person. Even if that is actually true, it's a technicality, really. He tried to explain that he hadn't meant it to come across like that, and he was hurt that I called him a jerk, etc.

Whatever. I don't think he even understood why I was mad in the first place. Even though I kept trying to explain it. Multiple times.

Bill and I are not friends anymore. Maybe we will be again someday, but right now we are both too pissed.

The Sexual Pull of Attraction

I was at my geology program this past summer, when one day, I learned some very interesting news:

Mr. Math was single again. He and his girlfriend had broken up.

I was very surprised. Because they had been dating for three years, and because Mr. Math had told me that he wanted to marry her someday, I hadn't been expecting them to end things. I speculated about why the relationship had ended:

1) One of his friends had commented on the relationship status change with "Well, fuck." So maybe his girlfriend had found out that he had cheated on her with me.
2) When he had hinted at marriage with her before, she had kind of freaked out. Maybe he had proposed to her or something and she was so freaked out that she had broken up with him.

It turned out that neither had been right. He had broken up with her because they fought a lot, and afterward he found out that she had been cheating on him with two guys. Hence, the "well, fuck" comment was directed not at him, but rather at her.

Anyway, at the time I was with James. I found out about Mr. Math being single around the same time as the Beginning of the End, or when he started telling me about how his dogs shit all the time and had bad breath.

However, I'm not gonna lie: Mr. Math being single again had a lot to do with my decision to break things off with James.

It's true that I still liked him. I had suppressed those feelings because he was in a relationship and had made the decision to stay with her, but him being single again had resurfaced those feelings.

But the more important aspect of the whole thing was actually a matter of chemistry. You see, Mr. Math and I had intensely powerful chemistry, more powerful than I had ever experienced with anyone before. Not only did we have mind-blowing sex, but also I experienced a strong sexual pull toward him.

There was one day, after things had become awkward, when I saw him at work. I saw him, but he didn't see me. He had ordered food and already gone out to sit in the eating area before my shift started. I came in and saw him sitting at the same table that I had seen him sitting at the last time he had come to visit me at work. The table was facing the pizza maker station, and he and Timmie had sat there last time watching me throw pizzas into the air. I couldn't help but think (hopefully) that he had sat there because he missed me, and he had wanted to see me there making pizzas again this time.

Of course, when I came in, I was not a pizza maker that day. So he didn't see me that whole time. When he stood up to leave, I was reminded of how tall he was, how attractive he was, and I felt this sexual pull of energy that radiated from my vagina out toward him. The Sexual Pull of Attraction told me that I wanted to run after him and jump his bones, and I wanted to do it BAD.

I didn't, of course.

Anyway, that summer, I was remembering the Sexual Pull of Attraction that I had felt toward Mr. Math, when I realized that I felt nothing even remotely like that for James.

Don't get me wrong, James was actually a great boyfriend (up until that point, anyway, because he hadn't yet become mentally retarded). The whole reason I had been drawn to him in the first place was because he made me feel like I mattered. Most people don't do that in the slightest. Not my family, and not most of my closest friends. So there was that. Then, James kept me sane during that awful geology program, even though I'm pretty sure that I was a stroppy bitch during most of it.

But even though all that was great, James and I had no Sexual Pull of Attraction whatsoever. Our chemistry just didn't compare, in any way, to what I had felt for Mr. Math.

I realized that I needed to date someone with whom I felt that same--or even bigger-- Sexual Pull of Attraction. Otherwise, in the words of Elise Sellas from The Adjustment Bureau:

"You ruined me. I simply could not settle for less."

That's right, Mr. Math, I'm talking to you. You ruined me.

Hookup Dysfunction

After the Robbie Cons/Brendan fiasco, I started going out to the club once a week or once every couple of weeks.

One such night, I started dancing with this guy Chad. Chad was cute, in a short and muscular sort of way.

We were most definitely getting it on on that dance floor. First, Chad started pinching my ass. I liked it, but he did it a little too hard for my taste. Second, we started making out. Third, Chad started fingering me while we were on the dance floor.

While that was all a good time, we stopped dancing after a little bit. It was still early in the night, and we wanted to see who else was there.

It was a very fruitful night at the club for me. Every time I stopped dancing with one guy, another would come right up and take his place. What a fucking awesome night.

Anyway, I was having a good time dancing with this one dude, when Chad came over and interrupted our dance. As we were dancing, Chad leaned over and asked me what I was planning to do after the club.

Me: Well, I left my stuff at Joanna's apartment, so I'll probably go back there first.
Chad: After you get your stuff, do you want to come back to my place?
Me: Sounds like a plan ;)

So Chad left the club with me, Joanna, and Kelsey, and we all walked across the whole downtown to Joanna's apartment. After grabbing my bag and jacket, I left with Chad. We walked all the way back to the club and beyond it to get to his place.

Chad put some cartoons on his T.V., and we watched it on his couch, snuggling together under a blanket. Pretty soon we were making out, and then my clothing started coming off. Chad lowered the back of the couch to make a flat bed.

Me: Should we stay here, or should we go into your room?

I was a little uncomfortable hooking up in Chad's living room. He didn't have a single apartment, and I was worried that one of his roommates would walk in on us.

Chad: Let's stay here. Nobody's home.

Well, alright then. Whatever. So we continued where we left off. As soon as my skirt came off, I heard the sound of the door opening. Some guy was leaving the apartment, and was shutting the door behind him.

What the fuck! So much for nobody being home. At least he hadn't interrupted the action and made us feel awkward about having sex in the living room.

Anyway, as Chad and I were making out, he kept moaning and shit. So I took that to mean that he was really aroused.

However, when his boxer shorts came off, he was a total limp noodle.

Wow... okay then. I knew that girls faked being aroused. I've never done it, but I know that a lot of girls do. But I have never heard of a guy faking it before.

As if that weren't enough, then Chad took out a condom. But instead of rolling it on, like you're supposed to, he put his hands on either side of the ring part, and pulled them apart, trying to stretch out the condom so that he could put his limp dick inside.

A guy who can't even put on a condom... wow...

Then, because he was soft, the condom was falling off, and settled in a position covering only half his dick.

I'm sorry to say that I was drunk enough that I still tried to have sex with this guy.

So because he was soft, his dick kept falling out of my vagina. But Chad didn't even notice that his dick fell out, and kept moaning and shit even though we weren't actually having sex anymore.

What. A. Loser.

I stopped him and actually asked him how many times he had had sex before.

Chad: Like 10 times.
Me: Oh... ok. I've had a lot of sex with my ex-boyfriend.
Chad: Yeah... I never really had a girlfriend that I could practice on.

Well, that explained a lot.

But even so, you should know that you're not supposed to fake being aroused, when your own body says otherwise. And you should at least know how to put on a condom, for crying out loud. Fucking hell.

The Man Who Can't Trust or Love

After our breakup, T.J. justified his actions by saying, "Well, you started going out with Elton. So we wouldn't have lasted anyway."

Right. Since T.J. didn't stick with me after I left for college, I can't say for sure what would have happened with Elton. But what I do know is that my relationship with T.J. was much happier, healthier, and way more exciting than my relationship with Elton ever was.

In fact, the only qualities that Elton had that T.J. did not were the abilities to trust and love me.

I already knew that T.J. didn't trust me enough to try long-distance. I found out about the love part after T.J. started dating my friend Rory a year later.

Let's back up a minute. Rory used to date my best friend, Carl. After they broke up, Rory started going out with T.J. Only I didn't find that out from her.

Carl called me while I was on that horrible vacation with Elton and his family in California. We were both upset about the news and pissed off.

Why was I upset? First of all, my relationship with T.J. ended before its time. I was still wondering how things might have turned out if we had stayed together. Second of all, T.J. had been trying to get me to cheat on Elton with him. When I was home for Thanksgiving break, T.J. started a video chat with me, and told me that he wanted to see my legs, since they were what he liked best about my body.

Me: Oh right, okay. Then you have to show me your dick. *rolls eyes*
T.J.: Let's make this interesting.... *pulls dick out of pants and aims the webcam at it*
Me: *speechless*
T.J.: It's your turn now.
Me: No. I have a boyfriend.
T.J. Fine. *ends chat and logs off*

So either he still wanted me and regretted his decision, or he was just sad that I had moved on and he hadn't.

Either way, I hadn't been prepared for him to start dating one of my good friends.

So why was I pissed off? Rory never even mentioned to me that she was interested in dating T.J. She totally broke girl-code on that one. I'm not saying that I wanted her to ask my pemission to date him, but she should have talked to me about it like I had done with Lara. Something like, "Hey Veronica, I'm really interested in T.J. Would you be okay if I start dating him? You're my friend, and I don't want you to be upset."

Showing consideration like that would make anyone say that they would be okay with it, even if they weren't. If your friend cares about you enough to ask you about it, then you should care enough about her to want her to be happy with your old flame.

But no, not one word from Rory. She claimed that she didn't tell me about it because I was on vacation. Well, news travels fast. Bitch was probably too much of a weakling to talk to me.

Anyway, what I learned from T.J. dating Rory was this: T.J. had been hurt so many times from past relationships that he could not love his girlfriend. When Rory told him that she loved him, he responded by saying "No, you don't." He then went on to try to tell her how she could NOT possibly be in love with him.

That ended up ruining their relationship. So actually, I'm glad that it hadn't been me.

On the other hand, T.J. was a fucking asshole. He didn't stay with me when I went to college, but apparently he decided that Rory was worth staying with. They continued dating long-distance for their freshman year of college.

What a prick, seriously.