Hookup Dysfunction

After the Robbie Cons/Brendan fiasco, I started going out to the club once a week or once every couple of weeks.

One such night, I started dancing with this guy Chad. Chad was cute, in a short and muscular sort of way.

We were most definitely getting it on on that dance floor. First, Chad started pinching my ass. I liked it, but he did it a little too hard for my taste. Second, we started making out. Third, Chad started fingering me while we were on the dance floor.

While that was all a good time, we stopped dancing after a little bit. It was still early in the night, and we wanted to see who else was there.

It was a very fruitful night at the club for me. Every time I stopped dancing with one guy, another would come right up and take his place. What a fucking awesome night.

Anyway, I was having a good time dancing with this one dude, when Chad came over and interrupted our dance. As we were dancing, Chad leaned over and asked me what I was planning to do after the club.

Me: Well, I left my stuff at Joanna's apartment, so I'll probably go back there first.
Chad: After you get your stuff, do you want to come back to my place?
Me: Sounds like a plan ;)

So Chad left the club with me, Joanna, and Kelsey, and we all walked across the whole downtown to Joanna's apartment. After grabbing my bag and jacket, I left with Chad. We walked all the way back to the club and beyond it to get to his place.

Chad put some cartoons on his T.V., and we watched it on his couch, snuggling together under a blanket. Pretty soon we were making out, and then my clothing started coming off. Chad lowered the back of the couch to make a flat bed.

Me: Should we stay here, or should we go into your room?

I was a little uncomfortable hooking up in Chad's living room. He didn't have a single apartment, and I was worried that one of his roommates would walk in on us.

Chad: Let's stay here. Nobody's home.

Well, alright then. Whatever. So we continued where we left off. As soon as my skirt came off, I heard the sound of the door opening. Some guy was leaving the apartment, and was shutting the door behind him.

What the fuck! So much for nobody being home. At least he hadn't interrupted the action and made us feel awkward about having sex in the living room.

Anyway, as Chad and I were making out, he kept moaning and shit. So I took that to mean that he was really aroused.

However, when his boxer shorts came off, he was a total limp noodle.

Wow... okay then. I knew that girls faked being aroused. I've never done it, but I know that a lot of girls do. But I have never heard of a guy faking it before.

As if that weren't enough, then Chad took out a condom. But instead of rolling it on, like you're supposed to, he put his hands on either side of the ring part, and pulled them apart, trying to stretch out the condom so that he could put his limp dick inside.

A guy who can't even put on a condom... wow...

Then, because he was soft, the condom was falling off, and settled in a position covering only half his dick.

I'm sorry to say that I was drunk enough that I still tried to have sex with this guy.

So because he was soft, his dick kept falling out of my vagina. But Chad didn't even notice that his dick fell out, and kept moaning and shit even though we weren't actually having sex anymore.

What. A. Loser.

I stopped him and actually asked him how many times he had had sex before.

Chad: Like 10 times.
Me: Oh... ok. I've had a lot of sex with my ex-boyfriend.
Chad: Yeah... I never really had a girlfriend that I could practice on.

Well, that explained a lot.

But even so, you should know that you're not supposed to fake being aroused, when your own body says otherwise. And you should at least know how to put on a condom, for crying out loud. Fucking hell.