The Smoke Off

By now, you know all about my ex James. He could not cross the street, pay a restaurant bill, flirt, keep his hair nice, or think of good conversation topics. Additionally, James apparently found it difficult to decide whether or not he smoked. Not in an "I'm trying to quit" sort of way, but in an "I'm actually really stupid and retarded" sort of way.

This all started before James and I were dating. James had invited me to his favorite bar to hear a metal band perform. I came to the show, and some of his other friends were there as well. I really got it on with his one friend, Blondie. Soon after I met her, Blondie and I were conversing as if we were old friends. After awhile, she pulled out her pack of cigarettes, and offered me one.

James: I didn't know you smoked!
Me: I do smoke. I don't do it all the time though, really only when I'm drinking sometimes.
James: Well, I don't smoke because of my asthma.
Me: Oh, ok. Makes sense.

So James told me right off the bat that he didn't smoke because it would irritate his asthma. Which I completely respected.

Anyway, over the summer, we were brainstorming things to do when he visited me.

Me: Have you ever been to the Gaff?
James: Nope, I've never been there.
Me: Well it's really awesome! I told you the story about how I went there with Thackary, right?

Let's back up a minute. One night, I went to the Saloon with Thackary. The Monkeyboys were $14, because it was not a Thursday night. So therefore, I decided not to get one, and instead ordered a Hurricane. However, my Hurricane tasted completely horrible and watery.

Being really nice to me, Thackary bought me a Monkeyboy so that I wouldn't have to drink the rest of my Hurricane.

Then, I said that the only thing that would make the moment better would be to smoke. So Thackary set our drinks down on a ledge on the side of a window, and we went outside for a smoke. When we were done, we tried to go back into the bar, and they wouldn't let us back in, even though we had our hands stamped, because they were "at capacity."

I felt bad for essentially wasting Thackary's money, but neither one of us wanted to wait in the long line to get back inside, especially when their smoking policy was fucking ridiculous. Therefore, we ended up at the Gaff, where you could smoke inside, and where they played awesome 90s music like old-school Britney Spears and the Backstreet Boys.

AKA, exactly my kind of bar!

So I was suggesting to James that we go there when he came for a visit, because I thought it was so awesome.

James: Well, if people smoke in there, it might bother my asthma too much to be in there.
Me: Oh, you're right. Sorry, I forgot.

So he had told me that smoke affected his asthma so badly that he couldn't even stand to be around smoke. Which again, I completely respected, and we ended up going to a different bar.


However...

While James was visiting, we went to our mutual friend Aaliya's apartment. Aaliya lived there with her fiancee, and they enjoyed smoking weed a lot.

While James and I were at Aaliya's apartment, her fiancee brought out a bong and we all lit up.

Even, to my great surprise, James.

Me: James, I thought you couldn't smoke because of your asthma.
James: *looks guilty* Well.. it's just not a frequent habit...


Okay. WHAT THE FUCK. You can't tell me that you don't smoke at all, and can't even be AROUND smoke for that matter, and then just fucking take a hit from a bong.

I would understand his lying if I had been extremely anti-smoking. However, the first time we hung out, I made it clear that I smoke occasionally. So I don't understand what the fucking problem was.

The only explanation is that James is completely retarded.