Parting Thoughts

Here we are. We have arrived at the present day. On this present day, I have decided to end this blog. It was a tough decision, but I think it's for the best.

I’ve had my fair share of fun, especially as a college student. But after all those hookups, I’m just tired. I’m tired of all the confusion, and I’m tired of being used for sex. I’m tired of being mistreated, especially when it’s for something that doesn’t even matter.

Plus, I am an independent person by nature. I enjoy being self-sufficient in every way possible. This is why, more than anything, I hate obsessing about the possibility of being with a guy. It’s pure torture, not knowing if it will work out or not. And yet, I can’t help but think about it all the time, even though I know how much it sucks to keep thinking about it.

Don't get me wrong, it would be nice to fall in love. However, I’m now ready to wait for the right person. The person whose personality clicks with mine, and with whom I have a Sexual Pull of Attraction that is off the charts.

I will actually matter to this person, just like I mattered to James. This person will inspire and encourage me to be my best, like T.J. did. He will love and trust me like Elton did. He will understand me just as well as Chris did. He will be smart, funny, interesting, considerate, and confident. This person will also be quite similar to me. I will not settle for anyone who is not just as awesome as me, and right now, there is nobody that I like better than myself.

Some parting tips:

1. Communication is key. The most important thing that I've learned from blogging is that the majority of the confusion in my experiences was due to a lack of communication. Sometimes the guy failed at communicating, sometimes I failed at communicating, and sometimes we both failed at it. No matter who was at fault, bad communication was the major culprit behind all those "boys are stupid and suck" moments.
2. When you find the right person-- or even when you really, intensely like the wrong person-- you just don't care about stuff. All that dumbass shit that James did at the end of our relationship? If I had been really into him, I probably wouldn't have cared.
3. For all my girls out there: work on being more obvious. Guys just don't understand hints. Or subtlety. They don't understand what you're trying to do unless you are completely, blatantly obvious. This might be scary, but you will get results one way or another.
4. There is no way to "mess up." If it is meant to happen, it will happen, regardless of what you do (or do not do). (Within reason. Whatever you do, don't be like my friend Mandy. She wants guys that she hasn't even talked to before to ask her out, without her doing a single damned thing to try to get to know them at all).
5. College is the worst place to date around (at least that is the case for my school). Guys are just trying to get experience in the sack, and are not looking for anything serious. (Unless they are still in their LTR from high school. And even then, they still want to fuck you).
6. The way a guy treats you when he is in a relationship is the same as the way he will treat you when he is out of it. "Just friends?" Still only "just friends." Wants to have sex? Still only wants to have sex. Nothing changes except his relationship status. If he were really that into you, he would break up with her to be with you.
7. Making the first move is not a good idea. If a guy is really into you, he will make the first move, even if he is shy.

And that is it for now. Don't worry-- Veronica won't disappear. My smoking, dirty-mouthed, lipstick-wearing, wild, sensual alter-ego will never be truly gone. She will always be there for me when I need her. In fact, I plan to incorporate more Veronica-ness into my daily life, as I work on being more obvious to the guys that I like.

Finally, I would like to thank you, my readers. It has been a great two months, and I hope you have enjoyed reading as much as I've enjoyed writing. And who knows, maybe I will start a sister-blog at some point.

Blow Me (One Last Kiss)

So I kept waiting for Mr. Math to contact me about "hanging out" that week. Especially since he had mentioned definitely hanging out that weekend during his ex's "Boyfriend/Girlfriend" thing. But instead, what I got was nothing.

No texts, no phone calls, no messages... nothing.

So I tried to take matters into my own hands. I asked him what he was doing on Saturday, and he said that he was at a long-boarding party. He didn't ask me what I was doing, or make plans to see me, or anything.

Since just a simple text hadn't gotten his attention, I decided that I needed to be bold. Since it was labor day weekend and we didn't have school that day, I contacted him on Monday evening.

Me: I've been thinking about you all day... and it's NOT innocent. ;)

And I got... no response. I was freaking out because he wasn't responding to me. He ended up texting me the following morning:

Mr. Math: Lolz, my phone died last night. But thanks for the consideration.

Ok, first of all. "Lolz?" Who the fuck says "lolz?!"

The phone dying did make sense as to why he hadn't responded to me, but I didn't appreciate his "thanks for the consideration" comment. He didn't seem at all disappointed that he had missed out on having amazing sex with me. Plus, he made no further arrangement to see me. It was definitely a rejection.

I responded with a bitchy, "No need to thank me. It's your loss." To which I got no response.

Then, I got Sam's opinion.

Sam: So you're telling me that he could have had sex with you any day this week, particularly this weekend? And he did nothing? He definitely was getting it on the side.

Sam, of course, was right.

Sam: If he doesn't know that you like him, your bitchy response might have confused him. You need to text him and tell him how you feel.

I had no idea how he could NOT know how I felt. Not only did I have sex with him when he was in a relationship, but I told him that I would have sex with him again even though he ripped my fucking vagina. I showered with him. I told him that I thought he looked good, despite the fact that he was sweaty and covered in paint from working on his apartment. Plus, in general, my face probably was glowing around him, as I show expression very easily. So in my opinion, it was no shit, Sherlock.

Me: Sam, that's not something that you should do via text.
Sam: Well, it doesn't look like you have any other choice. Your attempts to get his attention didn't work, so this is the only way.

So I bit the bullet and sent Mr. Math a text.

Me: I really like you, but I feel like you're just stringing me along/jerking me around. What's the deal?
Mr. Math: I'm kinda seeing somebody else right now. I'm not sure what's going to happen with me and her. Can we still be friends?
Me: Did you know how I felt?
Mr. Math: No, actually that came as a surprise to me :/

....What. An. Idiot.

Me: I'll be your friend if you answer my questions honestly. So you had no intention of dating me, you just wanted to fool around?
Mr. Math: Yeah, that's what I thought we were doing. Sorry if I was being confusing.


At least he redeemed himself. Kind-of. He hadn't known that I liked him, so he hadn't known what he was doing to me when he told me we were going to have sex that week, and then didn't even contact me.

Even so, the situation just sucked. I've only seen him once since this whole thing happened, and that was when I was waiting outside of my classroom one day and he walked into the building.

He came over and sat next to me, and we talked really awkwardly for about ten minutes.

That was it.

Another thing: he was the one who kept saying, "Let's be friends. Let's be friends. Let's be friends," and yet, he hasn't contacted me to hang out at all. Not even once.

Elton pulled that same shit when he and I broke up. And guess what? We have not talked to each other since. At all.

Some friend.

Anyway, here's the kicker: Mr. Math is now in a relationship. With a girl who is not the same girl he was skating with. Talk about player extreme. If he's wondering why I decided to post about him on here, that was it.

In the words of P!nk:

"White knuckles and sweaty palms from hanging on too tight 
Clench of jaw, I've got another headache again tonight 
Eyes on fire, eyes on fire, and the burn from all the tears 
I've been crying, I've been crying, I've been dying over you 
Tie a knot in the rope, trying to hold, trying to hold, 
But there's nothing to grab so I let go 

I think I've finally had enough, I think I maybe think too much 
I think this might be it for us (blow me one last kiss) 
You think I'm just too serious, I think you're full of shit 
My head is spinning so (blow me one last kiss)"

Maximum Confusion

Once I was done with my geology program this past summer, I returned to my apartment at school, and was just working full-time for the rest of the summer. Mr. Math made a point of contacting me a month-- and then a week-- before he was supposed to come back and fix up his apartment. In both instances, he made it clear that he wanted to hang out with me when he wasn't busy doing apartment stuff.

Score! I was so excited. It was definitely a good sign that he was already thinking about hanging out with me before he was even back at school.

When he came back, we definitely got it on. Before anything happened, I told him about The Problem. I was so worried that he would hate me and never talk to me again, but he proved me wrong. He was actually very sweet about the whole thing, apologizing and giving me a hug.

Mr. Math: So... does that mean I'm on your No-Sex List?
Me: *blush* Not exactly... *wink*

We went on to take a steamy shower together...

Then, since he had taken to the nasty business of The Problem so well, I decided to open up to him further and tell him about this very blog.

Me: So I started a blog.
Mr. Math: About what?
Me: About SEX!
Mr. Math: I want to read it! *then later* It's funny! I'm glad you didn't write about me... (hahahahaha... well, I hadn't then. and now... he can just suck it)

Again, good signs. He didn't run away from me waving a gigantic "Slut" banner.

Then things got complicated. I was trying to figure out if he actually wanted to date me or if he only wanted to have sex with me. But I was having a terrible time doing so.

Signs He Wanted to Date Me

• ·      When we got food one night, he shared his drink with me
• ·      We would talk about our lives
• ·      He gave me a foot massage
• ·      He would tell me that he wanted to hang out with me again the next day
• ·      We agreed to burn each other CD's of bands that we liked
• ·      He wanted me to meet his good friends
• ·    He would constantly start tickle fights with me
• ·      We were watching Fight Club, and that woman who was described as looking like "Meryl Streep's smiling skeleton" started talking about how she was dying, and how all she wanted was to have sex one more time. I said that that would probably be me. He patted me on the knee and said, "I’ll have sex with you when you’re about to die, even if you look like a smiling Meryl Streep’s skeleton. That would go against my rules for girls I normally sleep with, but for you I would.”
• ·      He made me a sandwich

Signs He Just Wanted Sex

• ·      One time he invited me to his place for the sole purpose of me bringing him alcohol. I'm over 21, and he is not.
• ·      He told me to take off my shirt when we were hanging out
• ·      We were discussing our animalistic night last March, and there were things that we each didn't remember about it. He said, "Let’s have sex when we’re both sober enough to remember it."
• ·      He told me that "Hanging tonight gave me something to do,” as if he didn't have anything better to do.
• ·      He would always make last-minute plans with me.
• ·      He would talk about the perks of being single
• ·      He told me to call him when The Problem was fixed
• ·      He talked about how other girls were hot in front of me

Based on these lists, I was pretty confused. However, I finally came to the conclusion that he just wanted sex. Most of the stuff on the first list could be explained by the fact that we were already friends. Furthermore, he had explicitly said that he wanted to have sex with me, but he hadn't explicitly asked me on a date or anything.

So I was fully prepared to take advantage of the fact that we both wanted to jump each other's bones. The last time I hung out with him, we basically were about to have sex, when his roommate walked in. Mr. Math told me that we definitely should "hang out" later that week (or rather, have sex later that week). I texted him on Wednesday asking him what he was doing that night. Mr. Math said that he was going skating. Well, okay.

I actually ran into him while he was skating. He was with some girl.

It took me awhile, but I finally figured out what bothered me about the situation. If nothing was going on with him and this girl, he would've said, "I'm skating with my friend [name]." However, he totally left the girl out of it, suggesting that he didn't want me to know about her.

However, he also kept stopping me from leaving.

Me: Well, I'll let you guys get back to skating then. *turns to walk away*

Mr. Math: Wait, what are you doing this weekend? I want to get away from my friends.

Me: Um... why?

Mr. Math: Because my ex is having her "Boyfriend/Girlfriend" thing and I do not want to be there for that.

Me: Well, I'm not sure what I'm doing yet. We could probably hang out. *turns to walk away*

Mr. Math: Oh, let me know the next time you go to the liquor store. 'Cause I need alcohol...

Me: ...Okay. *turns to leave*

Mr. Math: Do you have football tickets?

Me: No... but my coworker was trying to get me to go to a game.

Mr. Math: Well let me know when you decide to go to a game.

So here he was with this skater girl, and he kept calling after me as I kept trying to leave them to it. What gives?

I was beyond confused. And it was only about to get worse.

Men and Women Can't Be Friends

I just had a nasty fight with Bill. To refresh your memory, Bill was my friend that was interested in me, but I had absolutely no Sexual Pull of Attraction to him whatsoever. He came with me to the club that one time, and I had to dance with him and Nate at the same time, in order to ward off Old Dude.

Anyway, the last time I hung out with Bill, he invited me to his apartment to cook lunch. While the stir fry was cooking, Bill started salsa dancing with me to the music that was playing on his Pandora station.

I was having a good time dancing until Bill started trying to kiss me. To avoid it, I moved my head from side to side and kind of grimaced.

Needless to say, the rest of that lunch was really awkward. Bill turned on the triathlon recap on his T.V. and sat next to me on the couch; after that was over he turned the channel to a movie that was playing. Since I didn't like where this was heading, especially after he had tried to kiss me twice, I decided to head out.

My plan was to go grocery shopping, since Bill lived really close to the supermarket. Unfortunately, Bill decided to come shopping with me because he needed to go as well.

Ugh.

I didn't care what our mutual friend Kara kept saying-- that Bill was a catch. Sure, the guy looks really good on paper: he knows all about cooking, he is a good dancer, he is really smart, he would be a good provider, etc. But in spite of all that, I wasn't remotely interested in the guy.

After that nightmare, Bill kept texting me to go dancing with him at the club, and I kept saying no. I wasn't about to have him start trying to kiss me again-- or worse, pull an Old Dude-- and ruin a fun night out.

So because I kept saying no to his requests to go dancing, I decided to invite him to this Bollywood Night event that my coworker had invited me to. The event is taking place later today, but when I looked again at the event page, I realized that the event is being held a long ways away at the High School. As a result, I told Bill that I didn't want to go anymore.

Bill: Well, would you still want to do something else? We could chill and watch a movie, or we could go dancing.

Ughhhhhhhhhh... exactly what I had been trying to avoid in the first place.

Me: Do you want to get dinner at Cafe?

Cafe is one of my favorite restaurants here. I never get tired of going there (which says a lot really, on account of how easily bored I am). I love going there, getting fries and a veggie grinder, and sitting outside as I sip my flavored long-island iced tea.

Bill: Yeah that sounds good. Do you want to go back to your place afterward for some quality time? ;)

WHAAAAAAAAT??! HE DID NOT JUST ASK ME THAT.

No way in fucking hell was that going to happen.

Me: No, I have a lot of work to get done. Sorry.
Bill: Well I have a lot of work too, but I think de-stressing is necessary sometimes. If you ever want to de-stress with me, just let me know ;)

Ugh... Ugh... Ugh...

Then, Bill double texted me:
Bill: And I don't really like Cafe-- too expensive for generic food. Sorry.
Me: So then why did you say that it "sounded good" when I first suggested it?
Bill: Because it would have been fine if you had agreed to the plan afterward. Everyone likes incentives.

Ok, what the fuck?? So you would've gone there to get in my pants, but when I told you no, you say that you don't want to go there anymore? Fuck you, you fucking cunt.

Me: Wow... you are such a jerk.

Then, because I had called him a jerk, a nasty fight ensued.

In the end, he called me to apologize. Apparently, in the Indian culture, when you say "Yeah that sounds good," that does not imply that you made a definite plan with the person. Even if that is actually true, it's a technicality, really. He tried to explain that he hadn't meant it to come across like that, and he was hurt that I called him a jerk, etc.

Whatever. I don't think he even understood why I was mad in the first place. Even though I kept trying to explain it. Multiple times.

Bill and I are not friends anymore. Maybe we will be again someday, but right now we are both too pissed.

The Sexual Pull of Attraction

I was at my geology program this past summer, when one day, I learned some very interesting news:

Mr. Math was single again. He and his girlfriend had broken up.

I was very surprised. Because they had been dating for three years, and because Mr. Math had told me that he wanted to marry her someday, I hadn't been expecting them to end things. I speculated about why the relationship had ended:

1) One of his friends had commented on the relationship status change with "Well, fuck." So maybe his girlfriend had found out that he had cheated on her with me.
2) When he had hinted at marriage with her before, she had kind of freaked out. Maybe he had proposed to her or something and she was so freaked out that she had broken up with him.

It turned out that neither had been right. He had broken up with her because they fought a lot, and afterward he found out that she had been cheating on him with two guys. Hence, the "well, fuck" comment was directed not at him, but rather at her.

Anyway, at the time I was with James. I found out about Mr. Math being single around the same time as the Beginning of the End, or when he started telling me about how his dogs shit all the time and had bad breath.

However, I'm not gonna lie: Mr. Math being single again had a lot to do with my decision to break things off with James.

It's true that I still liked him. I had suppressed those feelings because he was in a relationship and had made the decision to stay with her, but him being single again had resurfaced those feelings.

But the more important aspect of the whole thing was actually a matter of chemistry. You see, Mr. Math and I had intensely powerful chemistry, more powerful than I had ever experienced with anyone before. Not only did we have mind-blowing sex, but also I experienced a strong sexual pull toward him.

There was one day, after things had become awkward, when I saw him at work. I saw him, but he didn't see me. He had ordered food and already gone out to sit in the eating area before my shift started. I came in and saw him sitting at the same table that I had seen him sitting at the last time he had come to visit me at work. The table was facing the pizza maker station, and he and Timmie had sat there last time watching me throw pizzas into the air. I couldn't help but think (hopefully) that he had sat there because he missed me, and he had wanted to see me there making pizzas again this time.

Of course, when I came in, I was not a pizza maker that day. So he didn't see me that whole time. When he stood up to leave, I was reminded of how tall he was, how attractive he was, and I felt this sexual pull of energy that radiated from my vagina out toward him. The Sexual Pull of Attraction told me that I wanted to run after him and jump his bones, and I wanted to do it BAD.

I didn't, of course.

Anyway, that summer, I was remembering the Sexual Pull of Attraction that I had felt toward Mr. Math, when I realized that I felt nothing even remotely like that for James.

Don't get me wrong, James was actually a great boyfriend (up until that point, anyway, because he hadn't yet become mentally retarded). The whole reason I had been drawn to him in the first place was because he made me feel like I mattered. Most people don't do that in the slightest. Not my family, and not most of my closest friends. So there was that. Then, James kept me sane during that awful geology program, even though I'm pretty sure that I was a stroppy bitch during most of it.

But even though all that was great, James and I had no Sexual Pull of Attraction whatsoever. Our chemistry just didn't compare, in any way, to what I had felt for Mr. Math.

I realized that I needed to date someone with whom I felt that same--or even bigger-- Sexual Pull of Attraction. Otherwise, in the words of Elise Sellas from The Adjustment Bureau:

"You ruined me. I simply could not settle for less."

That's right, Mr. Math, I'm talking to you. You ruined me.

Hookup Dysfunction

After the Robbie Cons/Brendan fiasco, I started going out to the club once a week or once every couple of weeks.

One such night, I started dancing with this guy Chad. Chad was cute, in a short and muscular sort of way.

We were most definitely getting it on on that dance floor. First, Chad started pinching my ass. I liked it, but he did it a little too hard for my taste. Second, we started making out. Third, Chad started fingering me while we were on the dance floor.

While that was all a good time, we stopped dancing after a little bit. It was still early in the night, and we wanted to see who else was there.

It was a very fruitful night at the club for me. Every time I stopped dancing with one guy, another would come right up and take his place. What a fucking awesome night.

Anyway, I was having a good time dancing with this one dude, when Chad came over and interrupted our dance. As we were dancing, Chad leaned over and asked me what I was planning to do after the club.

Me: Well, I left my stuff at Joanna's apartment, so I'll probably go back there first.
Chad: After you get your stuff, do you want to come back to my place?
Me: Sounds like a plan ;)

So Chad left the club with me, Joanna, and Kelsey, and we all walked across the whole downtown to Joanna's apartment. After grabbing my bag and jacket, I left with Chad. We walked all the way back to the club and beyond it to get to his place.

Chad put some cartoons on his T.V., and we watched it on his couch, snuggling together under a blanket. Pretty soon we were making out, and then my clothing started coming off. Chad lowered the back of the couch to make a flat bed.

Me: Should we stay here, or should we go into your room?

I was a little uncomfortable hooking up in Chad's living room. He didn't have a single apartment, and I was worried that one of his roommates would walk in on us.

Chad: Let's stay here. Nobody's home.

Well, alright then. Whatever. So we continued where we left off. As soon as my skirt came off, I heard the sound of the door opening. Some guy was leaving the apartment, and was shutting the door behind him.

What the fuck! So much for nobody being home. At least he hadn't interrupted the action and made us feel awkward about having sex in the living room.

Anyway, as Chad and I were making out, he kept moaning and shit. So I took that to mean that he was really aroused.

However, when his boxer shorts came off, he was a total limp noodle.

Wow... okay then. I knew that girls faked being aroused. I've never done it, but I know that a lot of girls do. But I have never heard of a guy faking it before.

As if that weren't enough, then Chad took out a condom. But instead of rolling it on, like you're supposed to, he put his hands on either side of the ring part, and pulled them apart, trying to stretch out the condom so that he could put his limp dick inside.

A guy who can't even put on a condom... wow...

Then, because he was soft, the condom was falling off, and settled in a position covering only half his dick.

I'm sorry to say that I was drunk enough that I still tried to have sex with this guy.

So because he was soft, his dick kept falling out of my vagina. But Chad didn't even notice that his dick fell out, and kept moaning and shit even though we weren't actually having sex anymore.

What. A. Loser.

I stopped him and actually asked him how many times he had had sex before.

Chad: Like 10 times.
Me: Oh... ok. I've had a lot of sex with my ex-boyfriend.
Chad: Yeah... I never really had a girlfriend that I could practice on.

Well, that explained a lot.

But even so, you should know that you're not supposed to fake being aroused, when your own body says otherwise. And you should at least know how to put on a condom, for crying out loud. Fucking hell.

The Man Who Can't Trust or Love

After our breakup, T.J. justified his actions by saying, "Well, you started going out with Elton. So we wouldn't have lasted anyway."

Right. Since T.J. didn't stick with me after I left for college, I can't say for sure what would have happened with Elton. But what I do know is that my relationship with T.J. was much happier, healthier, and way more exciting than my relationship with Elton ever was.

In fact, the only qualities that Elton had that T.J. did not were the abilities to trust and love me.

I already knew that T.J. didn't trust me enough to try long-distance. I found out about the love part after T.J. started dating my friend Rory a year later.

Let's back up a minute. Rory used to date my best friend, Carl. After they broke up, Rory started going out with T.J. Only I didn't find that out from her.

Carl called me while I was on that horrible vacation with Elton and his family in California. We were both upset about the news and pissed off.

Why was I upset? First of all, my relationship with T.J. ended before its time. I was still wondering how things might have turned out if we had stayed together. Second of all, T.J. had been trying to get me to cheat on Elton with him. When I was home for Thanksgiving break, T.J. started a video chat with me, and told me that he wanted to see my legs, since they were what he liked best about my body.

Me: Oh right, okay. Then you have to show me your dick. *rolls eyes*
T.J.: Let's make this interesting.... *pulls dick out of pants and aims the webcam at it*
Me: *speechless*
T.J.: It's your turn now.
Me: No. I have a boyfriend.
T.J. Fine. *ends chat and logs off*

So either he still wanted me and regretted his decision, or he was just sad that I had moved on and he hadn't.

Either way, I hadn't been prepared for him to start dating one of my good friends.

So why was I pissed off? Rory never even mentioned to me that she was interested in dating T.J. She totally broke girl-code on that one. I'm not saying that I wanted her to ask my pemission to date him, but she should have talked to me about it like I had done with Lara. Something like, "Hey Veronica, I'm really interested in T.J. Would you be okay if I start dating him? You're my friend, and I don't want you to be upset."

Showing consideration like that would make anyone say that they would be okay with it, even if they weren't. If your friend cares about you enough to ask you about it, then you should care enough about her to want her to be happy with your old flame.

But no, not one word from Rory. She claimed that she didn't tell me about it because I was on vacation. Well, news travels fast. Bitch was probably too much of a weakling to talk to me.

Anyway, what I learned from T.J. dating Rory was this: T.J. had been hurt so many times from past relationships that he could not love his girlfriend. When Rory told him that she loved him, he responded by saying "No, you don't." He then went on to try to tell her how she could NOT possibly be in love with him.

That ended up ruining their relationship. So actually, I'm glad that it hadn't been me.

On the other hand, T.J. was a fucking asshole. He didn't stay with me when I went to college, but apparently he decided that Rory was worth staying with. They continued dating long-distance for their freshman year of college.

What a prick, seriously.

The Aftermath

So after Mr. Math and I did the deed, I was elated. I was proud of myself for going after what I had so badly wanted, and also was euphoric that the sex had been so fantastic. Any time I thought about how he had a girlfriend, I just thought to myself:

"Hah! I fucked your boyfriend. And you have NO IDEA."

This line of thinking, while completely awesome, was unfortunately short-lived. I started to want more from Mr. Math. I was thinking that our time together had been so awesome, that he must be thinking about what it would be like to be with me. Even if it was only just a little bit.

So I started chatting with him on Facebook, to try to find out what he was thinking about the whole thing. It wasn't pretty.

Mr. Math: That one hour that we spent together... or however long it was... it can't exist. My girlfriend can't find out about it. I already cheated on her once before, and she took me back. This time, it would be over, and I don't want that.

By this point, he had called me, and we were talking on the phone.

Mr. Math: You sound... angry. Or sad. Or something.
Me: I guess... I'm disappointed, because I had a really great time.
Mr. Math: And if I'm ever single again, we can totally hook up again. But for now, I just consider you a really good friend. Sometimes I'm a jerk like that and start to pursue my really good friends who are girls. I'm sorry that I did that to you, and I wish I could make it up to you, and I wish that it had never happened.

Ok, first of all, when I said that I had had a really great time, that was supposed to imply that I liked him. However, he mistook that to mean that I had just really liked the sex. Which I had, but I also really liked him.

Second of all, I was really disappointed in this outcome. I could understand how he wanted to stay with his girl, but to say that he wished that we hadn't had sex? That he regretted it so much that he wanted to pretend that it hadn't happened? I was crushed. If the sex hadn't been so amazing, I would have thought that he hadn't enjoyed it or something. But I knew that that hadn't been the case.

I didn't see much of Mr. Math after that. In fact, the only other time I saw him that semester was when we met for coffee one day. This was about a month after the deed, and it was very awkward. The only reason I suggested meeting for coffee in the first place was because he had totally booty-called me a few nights prior. He had texted me at 2 am saying, "Hey are you still awake?"

Totally a booty-call.

I wanted to call him out on it and see how he explained it.

Mr. Math: It wasn't a booty-call. I actually kind of thought that you might think that it was, but since you didn't respond to my first text I didn't think I should double-text you to clarify.

Yeah, uh huh. I called bullshit. He was just denying that it was a booty-call because he hadn't changed his mind about staying with his girlfriend.

Anyway, that was all I saw of him until the end of the summer. More on that later.

Right now, I will discuss The Problem. You see, Mr. Math and I had had sex a week before Spring Break. Since I was going home for the week, I decided to go to the gyno and investigate the crime-scene bleeding that had occurred.

Gyno: The last time that you had sex... was it... animalistic?
Me: *blush* yes...
Gyno: Well, then I know for sure what happened. You have a laceration on your vaginal wall. It was caused by the rapid penetration during the sex.

Fucking hell. Mr. Math had ripped my vagina.

The gyno told me that I couldn't have sex until it was healed. I wasn't even allowed to wear tampons.

Fucking hell. Fuck Mr. Math. That really sucked a fat long cock.

Pursuing a Guy in a Relationship, Part 3

Last fall, I took a calculus class with Alex. He and I both needed it for our new majors, so we decided to take it together.

Alex liked sitting in the back of the room, so we always picked the same two seats.

Alex didn't go to class very often, so I made fast friends with the people sitting next to me.

The guy on my left, Mr. Math, was seriously hot. He was just my type looks-wise. His friend, Mark, was also cute, and also a musician. On the other side, there was a cute girl from Spain named Monica, and another girl named Sammie. A real character named Maria would sit in front of me when Alex wasn't there, and in front of Alex when he was there.

I began to really look forward to going to math. Everyone else hated us, of course, but our little group always had a blast. We would talk during class, laugh, play music, etc. It was completely awesome.

I started to really like Mr. Math. A LOT. I would flirt with him, and he would flirt back. One time, in the middle of the lecture, he rolled up little balls of fabric and threw them down my shirt. That was when I knew that deep down, he wanted to fuck me.

You see, Mr. Math always talked about his girlfriend. How he had been with her for three years, and how they just that morning were "in the throes of ecstasy" when his roommate walked in on them, and they didn't notice.

So needless to say, I kept my feelings on the DL.

Mr. Math and I became good friends. We started studying together for math, we hung out outside of class, and he even came to visit me at work a few times.

One night, I was working for 8 hours straight. Mr. Math and his roommate, Timmie, came in and visited me. Mr. Math asked what I was doing after work, and I said that I was probably just going to go home and pass out. Which I regretted, because even though I was exhausted, I kind of wanted to drink.

Mr. Math: Well if you want to drink, me and Timmie can stop by your place later and we can hang.

So after work, they came to my place. We all got pretty drunk. I was sitting on my bed, and Mr. Math came and sat with me up there. When Timmie went into the bathroom, Mr. Math used that opportunity to lift up my shirt and start feeling my boobs.

Me: What are you doing??! Your roommate is in the bathroom!!!
Mr. Math: Shh!!!

When Timmie came out of the bathroom, Mr. Math did his best to kick him out. They had this same conversation probably about 9 times over:

Mr. Math: Are you hungry?
Timmie: Not really.
Mr. Math: Well I'm hungry. Can you get me some fries from McDonald's?
Timmie: Why don't you come with me?
Mr. Math: Because I have this half of a beer left, and I want to finish it first.
Timmie: Well, I'll just wait for you.
Mr. Math: Naw, I'll meet you there.

Timmie wasn't having it. He knew what Mr. Math was planning, and he was trying his best to put a stop to it. He was being a good friend, trying to prevent his roommate from cheating on his long-term girlfriend.

At that point, Mark stopped by. He brought weed with him, and asked if we wanted a smoke.

Timmie: Yeah dude I'm in.
Mr. Math: Well if you guys are gonna smoke, can you do it outside? I can't have the smell on me because my girlfriend would get pissed.
Mark: Sure. You in Veronica?
Mr. Math: We'll meet you out there.
Timmie: Don't lock the door.
Mr. Math: Fine.

As soon as they closed the door, Mr. Math and I started making out.

Let me explain. I liked Mr. Math IMMENSELY. He was in a long-term relationship with no foreseeable end (he had told me that he was hoping to marry his girlfriend). This was my only shot. I knew that it was wrong, but I couldn't help myself. I liked him so much, and was so sexually attracted to him, that I just didn't care. So I just went for it.

Anyway, after awhile, Timmie and Mark came back from smoking. Mr. Math and Timmie had the conversation again, and finally Timmie got frustrated and left. Mr. Math smoothly talked Mark into leaving as well.

The second they left, we went for each other. It was hot, it was wild, and it was animalistic. I have never had better sex in my entire life.

The only reason it ended at all was because I realized that I was bleeding like I had just lost a limb. But I'll get to that.

Unfinished Business

The summer after high school, I dated a guy named T.J. I met him, in fact, on the day that I broke up with my first boyfriend, Jerome.

I was pretty upset, but I knew that the breakup was for the best. Jerome and I wanted completely different things out of our relationship, and also, out of life. I wanted a deep, meaningful relationship; he only wanted something extremely casual. He was very religious (Mormon), and I was, well-- not.

Anyway, I was scheduled to volunteer at the library booksale that evening. T.J. was also volunteering that night, and we started talking. We hit it off really well, and exchanged emails.

Soon after, we met up at Barnes & Noble for a date. We walked around, and then sat down and talked as we sipped our Starbucks coffees. We connected so deeply and so completely that I felt like we were already dating.

However, because he was still in high school, and I was leaving for college at the end of the summer, I made sure to ask him what he thought about long-distance relationships before anything became official. I wasn't about to start a relationship and then have it end two months later.

T.J.: I think long-distance relationships can work if both people are equally motivated.

Great! That was exactly what I thought about that.

...back then. Now, I know how wrong that was.

So we were on the same page about long-distance; the only further barrier was the matter of my friend Lara.

Lara had dated T.J. for awhile during our senior year. She was my friend, and I wanted to make sure that she would be okay if I started dating T.J.. I asked her about it, and she told me to go for it.

T.J. and I dated for the rest of the summer. It was wonderful. I had found the deep, meaningful relationship that I had wanted with Jerome. I had found someone who inspired me to be a better person, and to not give up on my hobbies (such as creative writing and running, to name a few).

Then, a few days before I left for college, T.J. broke up with me.

Me: What? I asked you specifically before we started dating what you thought about long-distance. You said you supported it!
T.J.: I meant that I support it for other people. I don't want it for myself. You're just going to cheat on me at school.

Excuse me? I have never cheated on any of my boyfriends. I like to consider myself a loyal companion. I never gave T.J. any reason to think that I would be unfaithful.

Apparently, it had nothing to do with me, but rather with his previous experiences of girls cheating on him during long-distance.

And so that was that. T.J. gave me a binder filled with his writing, in addition to memories from our relationship. It included the story that we began writing together, "The Adventures of Catwoman and Tuxedo Man." The story didn't even end with a complete sentence; it was as unfinished as possible. Just like our relationship.

Anyway, I went off to school and found Elton. And T.J.? He didn't date anyone for a year. But I'll get to that.

The Smoke Off

By now, you know all about my ex James. He could not cross the street, pay a restaurant bill, flirt, keep his hair nice, or think of good conversation topics. Additionally, James apparently found it difficult to decide whether or not he smoked. Not in an "I'm trying to quit" sort of way, but in an "I'm actually really stupid and retarded" sort of way.

This all started before James and I were dating. James had invited me to his favorite bar to hear a metal band perform. I came to the show, and some of his other friends were there as well. I really got it on with his one friend, Blondie. Soon after I met her, Blondie and I were conversing as if we were old friends. After awhile, she pulled out her pack of cigarettes, and offered me one.

James: I didn't know you smoked!
Me: I do smoke. I don't do it all the time though, really only when I'm drinking sometimes.
James: Well, I don't smoke because of my asthma.
Me: Oh, ok. Makes sense.

So James told me right off the bat that he didn't smoke because it would irritate his asthma. Which I completely respected.

Anyway, over the summer, we were brainstorming things to do when he visited me.

Me: Have you ever been to the Gaff?
James: Nope, I've never been there.
Me: Well it's really awesome! I told you the story about how I went there with Thackary, right?

Let's back up a minute. One night, I went to the Saloon with Thackary. The Monkeyboys were $14, because it was not a Thursday night. So therefore, I decided not to get one, and instead ordered a Hurricane. However, my Hurricane tasted completely horrible and watery.

Being really nice to me, Thackary bought me a Monkeyboy so that I wouldn't have to drink the rest of my Hurricane.

Then, I said that the only thing that would make the moment better would be to smoke. So Thackary set our drinks down on a ledge on the side of a window, and we went outside for a smoke. When we were done, we tried to go back into the bar, and they wouldn't let us back in, even though we had our hands stamped, because they were "at capacity."

I felt bad for essentially wasting Thackary's money, but neither one of us wanted to wait in the long line to get back inside, especially when their smoking policy was fucking ridiculous. Therefore, we ended up at the Gaff, where you could smoke inside, and where they played awesome 90s music like old-school Britney Spears and the Backstreet Boys.

AKA, exactly my kind of bar!

So I was suggesting to James that we go there when he came for a visit, because I thought it was so awesome.

James: Well, if people smoke in there, it might bother my asthma too much to be in there.
Me: Oh, you're right. Sorry, I forgot.

So he had told me that smoke affected his asthma so badly that he couldn't even stand to be around smoke. Which again, I completely respected, and we ended up going to a different bar.


However...

While James was visiting, we went to our mutual friend Aaliya's apartment. Aaliya lived there with her fiancee, and they enjoyed smoking weed a lot.

While James and I were at Aaliya's apartment, her fiancee brought out a bong and we all lit up.

Even, to my great surprise, James.

Me: James, I thought you couldn't smoke because of your asthma.
James: *looks guilty* Well.. it's just not a frequent habit...


Okay. WHAT THE FUCK. You can't tell me that you don't smoke at all, and can't even be AROUND smoke for that matter, and then just fucking take a hit from a bong.

I would understand his lying if I had been extremely anti-smoking. However, the first time we hung out, I made it clear that I smoke occasionally. So I don't understand what the fucking problem was.

The only explanation is that James is completely retarded.

Knight in Shining Armor

When Chris and I were not friends for a year, I still saw him sometimes at work. Plus, I found out that six months after our altercation, he and Bianca broke up.

I pumped Miranda for the details.

Miranda: She broke up with him. She was leaving to go to grad school, and she didn't want to do long-distance. Now she regrets it, but he won't take her back. He doesn't like her at all anymore.

But even though they were broken up, he didn't contact me to see if I wanted to go out. Not even after we became friends again. So I just assumed that he wasn't interested anymore.

However, I knew-- and still know, for that matter-- that there still might be something there.

Evidence: when I contacted him for the first time in a year, I literally threw my phone across the table after sending the text. I was so afraid that he wouldn't respond, or that he hated me, or something.

But he did respond, and after a few nerve-racking texts, we got back into the swing of being friends.

Then last spring, I had a party at my apartment, and I invited Chris to it. Chris lives about half an hour away from me, so he asked me if he could crash at my place after the party.

Me: Sorry, I wish it could work, but unfortunately, I don't have a couch... or much furniture for that matter... my place is pretty small.
Chris: I'm pretty much fine with a roof over my head and a floor. Haha.
Me: Haha, alright then. Oh, I do have a new sleeping bag that you could use.

So Chris came to my party, and stayed after. I could tell right away that he wanted to have sex with me. He kept touching my stomach, trying to get me drunker, and trying to get me higher.

Either that, or he just didn't want to sleep on the floor.

I was really tired, and didn't have the energy to setup the sleeping bag or blow up the sleeping pad that went underneath it. Especially since I had just received it in the mail, and hadn't even opened it yet.

So I told him that he could sleep in my bed with me, and that I didn't care.

Once in bed, we started kissing, and he started fingering me.

Chris: You have really awesome boobs. They're huge!!!
Me: Thanks!

And then things got complicated. Well actually, they already were complicated. You see, I couldn't have sex at that time. I was having a Problem, caused by Mr. Math. But I'll get to that.

So I didn't want to do anything to arouse him (more...), because I didn't have enough energy to blow him or to jerk him off to completion. So I just did... nothing.

It was awful. I actually did want to have sex with him.

But eventually, he fell asleep and then it wasn't a problem anymore.

...for him, anyway. He happened to pass out while he was fingering me. So his finger was still in my vagina, and it was making me SO FUCKING HORNY.

After that night, I had a sort of renewed interest in Chris. I texted him a week later and invited him to come to the bar with me, Miranda, and a few others. However, he didn't respond.

So I was forced to conclude that he had just been drunk, and I had been there. That was it.

That might very well be it, but I'm not sure. I mean, I'm still a little confused about Chris. It seems like for the most part he's not interested, but then he always talks to me when I need someone to be there for me. I don't know HOW he knows when those times are, but he always does. And he always makes me feel better.

He talked to me when my parents were in the middle of a divorce, and I was home for spring break and had to deal with all their yelling and screaming at each other. He talked to me when I had just moved into my apartment, and felt lonely because I didn't have any roommates to talk to. He talked to me this past summer, when I was away on my geology program and was having a miserable time.

Chris: I hope that this program works out well for you.
Me: How would it do that?
Chris: I hope that you make some friends, and that you learn a lot from the program. Also, you'll probably be in killer shape afterward. It will make you hot(ter) ;)
Me: Well, just so long as my boobs don't go away. That can happen when you get in really good shape.
Chris: Some people care more about the shape than about the boobs.

My first instinct was to argue with him, but as always, Chris had said it in exactly the right way. I thought about it, and realized that he was right. It WOULD be really awesome to be completely in shape.

But even though Chris might be MY knight in shining armor, I don't think I'm his. Whenever I try to be there for him, I don't get the sense that I'm actually helping at all.

So, I don't know anymore. Something could happen, or it could not happen. I'll keep you posted.

Pursuing a Guy in a Relationship, Part 2

In 2009 and 2010, I had it bad for this guy Chris.

Chris and I met one day at work. When I got home, he had already friend requested me on Facebook. I thought it was cute that he had found me on there after only one day of knowing me.

Anyway, as I had now gone full-swing into my party-girl phase of college (after the Brendan/Robbie Cons fiasco), Chris offered me a place to hang out and drink, even mid-week. The Seven-Ten was where it was at. Good friends from work, fun, and drinks. It was heaven for a 20-year-old.

Chris would always walk me home at the end of the night. My dorm room was a long walk away from the Seven-Ten, but Chris never minded. He would always make sure that I didn't die on my way home from being too drunk, and he would start tickle fights, or, when weather appropriate, snowball fights.

Correction: Chris would always walk me home when his girlfriend, Bianca, was not at the party. Which was most of the time.

One such night, Chris came into my dorm with me and then started lying on my bed. I kicked him out, saying, "How would Bianca feel about this??!"

Chris left, and texted me on his way back home, saying, "Thank you for doing that. She wouldn't have have been too happy."

And things were fine, in this manner, until the summer. That summer, I fell for Chris, bad.

Chris was always a flirtatious person, and with me it was no exception. He would say things to me like, "Can I come over to your dorm? I am a sleepy guy, and I might need to take a nap..." Or how about, "I'll chain you to a bed and see how you like it."

Of course, I was stupid enough to fall for him.

One day, Chris invited me over to his apartment (that he and Bianca shared). I got really drunk, and we were watching a movie. Then, Joanna came over and dragged us to the club with her.

Once at the club, I started to feel very sick. I was pretty sure that I was going to puke, so I left the club. Chris took my phone and texted Joanna, saying "We left but don't worry. I'm taking care of her."

Oh my god. I still think that that was ridiculously cute.

Anyway, Chris brought me back to his apartment, and I immediately laid down on the couch. Chris was very sweet, brought me a glass of water, and held my hand.

Then, Chris said that his bed would be more comfortable for me than the couch, and he suggested that I sleep in there and he would sleep on the couch.

He guided me to his bed, and we both laid down. Chris began stroking my stomach, asking if that made the pain less.

Then, we had a heart-to-heart conversation. He told me that he really liked Bianca, but he said that she thought he was her knight in shining armor, and he knew that he wasn't. I asked him if he wouldn't rather be with someone who's knight in shining armor he actually WAS. Chris said maybe, but he thought that love was important too. Then he said, "You know... if I were single, and if I were a lot nicer, I would be your knight in shining armor."

And it was very much true. At the time, I was convinced that Chris was my soulmate. He understood exactly how I thought about things, exactly what it would take to make me happy, and exactly what to say when I felt like shit. He was so similar to me, but yet so different. While I cared about everything, he cared about nothing. In that way, we balanced each other out. He would give me the same advice that so many other people had given me before, only when he said it, it made sense. It was not condescending, like it was from everyone else. "Why should you care?" he asked me. "All caring does is make you upset. All caring does is make you unhappy. So why should you?"

When he said it, it was philosophical. It was contemplative. It made sense. Chris ended the conversation by kissing me on the cheek.

After that, I thought that I had a chance with him. After all, HE had been the one to point out that he could be my knight in shining armor.

Online a few days after, he asked me if I liked him. Not so bluntly of course, but that's what he meant. And I responded by saying, "Yeah, I really like hanging out with you."

However, the second part-- if he were a lot nicer-- was about to come into play. I was just chilling at the Seven-Ten a little later, and then Chris came up to me and was randomly really mean.

Chris: You don't understand me. I was mean to you. And why am I being unclear with my intentions? Because I don't have to be clear.

Then he stormed away, and I had a breakdown at the party. It was really bad actually. I couldn't stop crying. I felt so betrayed. Chris had been playing me all along, and he had no intention of breaking things off with Bianca for me. Plus, he admitted to knowing that he was leading me on the whole time.

As if that weren't enough, he had to go and tell Joanna and Lola all about his passionate love for Bianca, and how he was not going to leave her, but he might consider dating me if he were single.

God, what a fucking asshole.

Needless to say, I didn't talk to Chris for a full year. I was fucking pissed as hell, and I deleted him from my phone, my Facebook, and my life.

Eventually, we became friends again. We had a mutual friend, Miranda. Miranda gave me Chris's phone number one day in summer 2011, and we started talking again. I decided to let the past go. Plus, seeing him all the time at work had made me feel like we had some unfinished business.

And we did. More on that later.

Boring...

One of the worst things you can do in a relationship is be boring as fuck. AND boring at fucking.

Elton was both. We very seldom went out on dates anywhere. All Elton liked to do was snuggle in bed.

Don't get me wrong, snuggling in bed is fun. I even quite like doing it. But it gets really boring when that's ALL you do with your boyfriend every day, multiple times a day.

So one time I tried to spice things up, suggesting that we grab dinner downtown after our orchestra rehearsal. After the rehearsal, we stepped outside into pouring rain. Elton said he didn't want to go anymore because it was raining.

Um, we both had umbrellas. What a fucking wuss.

As if that weren't enough, the sex was completely boring and predictable. It would always be in missionary, and he would always thrust gently while cupping my ass with his hand.

Yawn.

I even told him that I wanted to mix things up a bit, and he didn't do ANYTHING different.

So I don't know what the problem was.

Actually, I do. He was just fucking boring. And our relationship had become boring.

Because looking back on the beginning of our relationship, we had sex in exciting places. For instance, we had sex in the study room in my dorm, and I was on top of a table. We also had sex in his recording studio in a chair.

We also did things together as a couple, like swing-dancing.

But then eventually, routine settled in, and all he wanted to do was snuggle in bed. And I'm glad that I got out of that, because I get bored easily. I need to date someone who will make an effort to keep things fresh.

The Perfect Date

The night of my date with Robbie Cons arrived. I came home from orchestra rehearsal, took a shower, and put on a seriously sexy ensemble.

Robbie picked me up at 8, and he was charming from the start. Not only did he open the car door (and other doors in general) for me, but he also insisted on paying for dinner, the movie, and movie snacks.

In a world where gentlemen are seriously lacking, I found Robbie refreshing.

I had a good time on the date, and I started to consider what it would be like to be with Robbie.

"Shit," I thought to myself. "I have to come clean about Brendan."

A few days after our date, I went through with it when we were talking online.

Me: Robbie, I have to tell you something...
Robbie: Shoot.
Me: I had sex with your roommate.
Robbie: I have to tell you something...
Me: Ok...
Robbie: I already knew that.

My jaw practically dropped to the floor. WHAT??!

Robbie said that he hadn't known about it when he asked me on the date. Then, when he got back to his apartment, his roommate was there bragging about how he had banged me when he knew that Robbie was interested in me.

As an aside, I pretty much ruined Robbie's opinion of Brendan; Robbie hated Brendan after that. Oops.

Anyway, when I accepted his date, Robbie said that he was disgusted with me.

Well, I kind of deserved it.

Anyway, Robbie was glad that I came clean, and we were able to move forward from there.

We could have become a couple, but things unfortunately started to fizzle.

One day, I was talking to Robbie and told him I was studying for my psych test the next day. Robbie offered to help me study, and he came over to my dorm room.

He was helpful at first, which I appreciated. Then, Robbie decided that it would be a good idea to climb on top of me on my bed and start making out with me.

It's not that I didn't like making out, but I wasn't fully prepared for my test and it only stressed me out further.

Me: *Breaks the kiss* Look! My pupils are now dilated. That means that I'm... *thinks about psych notes* aroused.
Robbie: Well, I would hope that that would arouse you.

As if that weren't enough, Robbie then took my Ella Enchanted DVD, went out into my common room, and put it in my suitemate's DVD player, starting to watch it on her TV.

Yeah... it would be one thing if it were my equipment he was using, but I thought that it was rude that he was using my suitemate's stuff without her permission. Since I had just moved out of my room with the awful Gia, I wasn't about to fuck up my new living situation.

Plus, he was trying to lure me away from studying AGAIN. What the hell!! It would be one thing if I had been the one to invite him over to "study," but since he invited himself over I thought he genuinely wanted to help me out.

Oh well. Robbie Cons and I didn't have the chemistry to make it, anyway. I still cringe when I imagine what his dick looks like.

Veronica's Naive Gaffe

Back when I was a sophomore, I was relatively innocent. Sure, I was always the one to make inappropriate jokes to my friends, but I really didn't have that much experience. I only had had sex with one guy (Elton), and I didn't really go to any parties.

That all changed when Joanna invited me to a party at her place. Joanna was my coworker, and we were just starting to become good friends.

I went to the party with my friends Ray and Jeanne. We got there a bit late, but we still had a great time. I met this dude Robbie Cons there, a friend of Joanna's, who seemed really nice.

At that point, Joanna kicked us all out because she wanted to have sex with some guy named Howard. She had a one-bedroom apartment, so it was justified.

Robbie Cons asked me if I wanted to continue drinking with him at his place. I agreed because I had been having a good time and didn't want to go home yet.

So me, Lola, Kelsey, Jeanne, and Ray all piled into Robbie Cons' car, and he drove Lola and Kelsey back to their dorm room. Lola was blacked the fuck out and needed help walking in, so Jeanne helped her inside and then left to go home.

When we got to Robbie Cons' apartment, we had an even better time. His roommate, Brendan, was there also, and we all got shitfaced and drank until 7 am.

Laura called me, and I told her that I was having "fun fun fun fun fun fun fun." Which she then continued to repeat to me every time she and Brad would call me drunk all the time. Haha. And I don't even remember saying it.

Ray was not handling it well, and he felt pretty awful. He was lying on the couch and he was holding my hand for awhile.

As an aside, Ray and I could have potentially dated. He, however, decided that it would be a great conversation topic to discuss how he peed in a bottle one time. When we were on a kind-of date. Classy.

Anyway, around 7 am, I started to freak out. Robbie Cons lived far enough away from campus that it was not walkable.

Me: Robbie Cons, when will you be sober enough to drive me and Ray back?
Robbie Cons: In about three hours.
Me: Oh, ok.
Robbie Cons: Why don't we all get some sleep for three hours and then I'll drive you guys back?
Me: Sounds good.

So of course, Ray was already passed out on the couch. There was no other couch, so I walked into the bedroom that Robbie Cons and Brendan shared.

Hmm... where to sleep. I assessed my options.

Robbie Cons had a twin bed; Brendan had a queen. Where was I going to sleep?

Oh, I don't know. The fucking queen.

So we all got into bed. Robbie Cons passed right out. Brendan pulled me toward him and said, "I'm gonna cuddle."

Well, I wasn't about to object. I was fucking wasted.

Then, Brendan started having sex with me. He was good, but he did this weird thing where he would alternate between vaginal sex, anal sex, fingering, and oral. Like he couldn't decide on one. That was weird.


Three hours later, we all woke up. Brendan tried to have sex with me again, but at that point I was sober enough to realize that I had made a serious, naive gaffe.

When Robbie Cons drove me home, he said, "Veronica, I had a great time with you last night. We should hang out again without alcohol."

Then I got back to my dorm room. Robbie Cons had sent me a Facebook friend request complete with a message that asked me out on a date.

Me: Oh no, oh no, oh no...... fuck fuckkkkkkk....

I called Joanna freaking out. I made sure to tell all details about my excursion, including that I was still buzzed and had no hangover, in order to piss off Gia, my roommate. I even told Joanna about how I Facebook stalked Brendon, only to find out that he had a girlfriend.

Oh deary me, I had just become "The Other Woman." The first of what I'm sorry to say is not the only time. But more on that later.

Joanna: Geez Veronica... so you hang out with us once and you get drunk off your ass and have sex with the roommate of a guy that was interested in you, WHILE THE GUY WHO IS INTERESTED IS IN THE ROOM, and then the guy that was interested in you asks you out on a date and doesn't know that you had sex with his roommate... maybe you shouldn't hang out with us, it's bad for your health.

She was right. But I didn't listen. Then.

Joanna: Anyway, I think you should accept the date. Robbie Cons is a great guy...

And I did accept the date. Stay tuned for the details in the next post, "The Perfect Date."

Conversation Topics

Not only was my ex James unable to cross the street, pay a restaurant bill, flirt, or keep his hair nice, but he also was unable to think of good conversation topics.

One day, he messaged me on Skype and said this:

James: MY DOGS KEEP SHITTING EVERYWHERE. I don't understand how something so small can produce so much shit.

....Wow. Okay. First of all, that's disgusting. I don't want to hear about your dogs and their fucking shit. I'm your girlfriend for goodness sake. Talk about that with your best friend.

Second of all, I hate dogs. James knew that I hated dogs, and he still chose to talk about them to me.

Don't get me wrong, if you're a dog person, you're allowed to tell me information about your dog such as the name, age, breed, etc. You can even tell me a cute story about your dog. But I NEVER want to hear about anything disgusting involving a dog. Ever.

Let me back up here. When I was seven years old, my family went down to Texas to visit my aunt. My aunt had two dogs, and they were both mean and scary. First of all, I was really tiny as a kid, so whenever the dogs would get excited and jump on me, they would pretty much knock me over. Second of all, they barked loudly and frequently. So I was scared of the dogs in the first place, and then one of them had to go and fucking bite me in the leg and draw blood. When I hadn't done anything mean to it.

Ever since then, I have hated dogs. I will always hate dogs. Therefore, I do not want to hear about your dogs and how they shit everywhere.

Needless to say, that was the beginning of the end for me and James. That, and the fact that Mr. Math was single again. But I'll get to that.

Pursuing a Guy in a Relationship, Part 1

When I was a sophomore, there was this dreamy guy in my music theory class. Let's call him Mr. Yummy. He was so yummy, that I wanted to just eat him right up.

Anyway, I started sitting near him in class and chatting with him. He was just so completely cute and funny that I could NOT get over it.

We had a test coming up in music theory, so I asked Mr. Yummy and his friend if they wanted to join me in studying.

They said no in that sort of way where they're still being nice about it and make it sound like they have legit reasons not to, but really they are saying no because they don't want to.

I knew that there had to be some reason behind it. I added both of them on Facebook, only to discover that Mr. Yummy had a long-distance girlfriend. Who was really pretty and extremely skinny. So of course, I hated her.

I let things lie at that point. I still was friendly to him when I ran into him, but I didn't go out of my way to hang out with him or talk to him.

Fast-forward two years. Mr. Yummy and his girlfriend were broken up. I started to like him again. I realized that he would be perfect husband material. Not only was he honestly a good person, but he was also very family-oriented and good with kids. Plus, he played jazz trombone. Sawoon!

One day I was sitting in the breezeway of the music building, and he came and sat at the table next to mine. We started talking, and it was all very cute. You see, he was only sitting there reading a novel for fun. It's not like he was doing anything pressing like homework, like I was. He was just sitting there chatting with me because he wanted to. Such a good sign! Plus I'm pretty sure that we were both blushing furiously, which was an even better sign.

So I started being more forward, because I knew that he was a shy guy.

We started chatting on Facebook, and whenever I talked to him he would always use a lot of exclamation points. This made me feel like he was really excited/happy to be talking to me.

So then one day I sent him the following note on Facebook, because I didn't have his phone number:

Me: Hey, so tonight I'm going to the bar with some of my friends. You should join us! I'm not sure what time we're going yet, so you should text me if you want to come. Here's my number.

To that I received no response. A few days later I saw him in the music building.

Me: Hey.
Mr. Yummy: Oh hey! So I received your message the other night, but I already had plans, and I forgot to tell you.
Me: Well, that's okay. We should hang out some other time though.
Mr. Yummy: Sure

Fast-forward forty-five minutes. I'm sitting in the breezeway of the music building doing homework. His friends are sitting in a group near me. Mr. Yummy comes into the breezeway, glances over at me, and then walks over to his friends.

Mr. Yummy: Hey guys! Who's up to go to the Saloon tonight! $5 Monkey Boys!!!

As a note, there were a few girls present in his group. So it's not like it would've been a guy's night. And yet, he didn't ask me, even though I was sitting RIGHT THERE. When we had just had a conversation FORTY-FIVE MINUTES AGO about us hanging out sometime.

Then, to make matters worse, another friend of his was sitting further down in the breezeway, and Mr. Yummy invited HIM to join them as well.

I just wanted to disappear into a hole and die.

After that, it all got worse. He started dating this girl whose name was ALSO Veronica. And who was ALSO majoring in music performance.

And by the way, I'm hotter than her. She's very plain-Jane.

I just didn't understand how we had gone from having a great connection to him, well, picking the wrong Veronica. And I will never find out, because Mr. Yummy and Veronica ended up moving to Texas together for grad school.

Sam had an idea though. He said that I had just been Mr. Yummy's "B-Girl." As in, he was pretty sure that he could get me, so he was stringing me along as a confidence-booster as he was pursuing the other Veronica.

Well, if that's true, then Mr. Yummy is definitely NOT as sweet as I had thought he was. In fact, that would make him a fucking asshole.

Be Clear, If You Are Gay, Part 2: Jackson

I met Jackson late in the summer of 2011; we worked together as baristas at a pseudo-Starbucks coffee shop.

Things started off well: I fell for him the first day we worked together. He had the same sparkly eyes as Patricio, and they reduced me to a warm putty. (Isn't that weird... I fell for two gay guys that had sparkly eyes...)

Anyway, Jackson asked me for my number the very first day. After that, we had many scintillating conversations at work, and the flirting was so out of control that our manager started assigning us to do separate tasks to keep us from talking to each other.

One day, Jackson decided to make a frappuccino for himself, so that he could try it. He asked me if I wanted to share the drink with him, to which I responded yes (obviously). He even joked around and said that we should make it "light" because he was watching his figure. Hahaha. Seeing our two straws together in the same cup almost made me faint from the cuteness of it all.

The next week, Jackson invited me over to his house one afternoon to "teach me how to play Magic, the Gathering." When I arrived at his house, he opened the door shirtless.

SaWOON!

However, he didn't proceed to make a move on me while I was there, and we actually did play Magic, the Gathering. I thought that this was a little strange, but whatever.

Then, near the end of the summer, Jackson and I went to my friend Miranda's party one night. As the party went on, Jackson convinced me to go skinnydipping with him at a nearby pool. I was thinking: YES!!!! YESSS!!!!!!! So me, Joanna, Miranda, Gracie, and some others from the party all walked about 20 minutes to the pool. We hopped the fence to get in, and then proceeded to skinnydip. Me and the other girls were getting out and diving in the water, but the guys stayed in the water because they were... *ahem*. All except for Jackson... Jackson was diving into the water, and he did NOT have a hard-on. So strange.

Afterward, we had the following conversation:

Jackson: Yo Veronica. How was your first time?
Me: It was great! I really enjoyed it.
Jackson: I'm so glad. We finally got you skinnydipping, and all that's left is to get you to walk around naked in your apartment...

What the fuck? I was confused for sure at this point.

Jackson succeeded in completely confusing the fuck out of me when he invited me to see Rise of Planet of the Apes with him. I, of course, was convinced that it was a date, especially because he picked me up at my apartment and drove me there.

When I stepped into his car, however, there was a flamboyantly gay man sitting shotgun. Well ok, so much for it being a date.

When we got to the theater, Jackson proceeded to pay for the FLAMBOYANTLY GAY MAN'S ticket, and NOT MINE.

WHAAAAAAAAT THE FUCK.

So obviously Jackson was gay. But the question is, why the fuck did he invite me out on his "date" and what was up with the shameless flirting? Stuffed if I know.

A Dunkin' No-mance

Back when I was 16, I worked at the Dunkin' Donuts in my hometown. I hated everything about it. First of all, hardly any of my employers and coworkers spoke English. They were all from Portugal. Not only was it extremely annoying when I was first learning the job, but they would spell my name incredibly wrong on important things like my checks. Second of all, many of the customers were rude fucking jerks, and dealing with that sucked. Finally, I kept being put on the schedule with a really creepy guy, Harry, who would always hit on me.

On one occasion, I was wearing a ring that my friend Bianca had made for me. Harry came up and asked me, "Did a boy give you that ring??"

Me: No. My friend made it for me.
Harry: A guy friend or a girl friend?
Me: ....a GIRL friend.
Harry: Well do you have a boyfriend?
Me: No.

Sheesh! What was this, the Spanish Inquisition?

Harry: Well, here's my number. Call me sometime and we can hang out on a Friday. I never work Fridays.

Um, no fucking way. That number landed in the trash can as soon as I got home.


After that, work was extremely awkward. It was especially horrible on the 4th of July, when I was stuck working with Harry ALL DAY. ALONE. JUST THE TWO OF US. AND IT WAS DEAD BECAUSE OF THE HOLIDAY.

Harry: Let me see your glasses.
Me: Okay, whatever *takes them off*
Harry: Wow. Your eyes are so beautiful.

*Eye Roll*
Ugh. That's gotta be the smoothest move in EXISTENCE.

A little later, it came time for me to punch out.

Harry: Can you stay till closing? I'm all by myself...

Fuck no! That was the LAST thing I was about to do. I had a fucking "date" with Patricio to watch the fireworks.

Me: Sorry, I already have plans. I'm going to watch the fireworks, and if I stay late I won't be able to go.

Then I got the hell out of there before he could say anything else.

How to Pay a Restaurant Bill

My ex James could not pay the bill at the restaurant... to save his life.

When James was visiting me for the weekend, our friend Kelley was also visiting. James, Kelley, and I went to my favorite Italian restaurant to catch up.

When the bill came, James said he wanted to use his credit card because he didn't have very much cash. That meant that Kelley and I had to pay for our parts in cash.

James put his card in the bill, and Kelley and I handed him our exact cash.

Instead of taking our cash, like a normal person, James decided to put our cash in the bill with his credit card.

Can you say retarded?

Me: What are you doing?
James: Oh, I thought you guys wanted me to put it in the bill.
Me: Not if you're paying the bill with your credit card...

So James took out our cash and put it in his wallet, and then handed the bill to the waitress.

When the waitress came back with the bill, James added a tip on his credit card while Kelley and I gave him our cash for the tip.

Again, instead of taking our cash, James decided to put our cash in the bill, with the credit card slip on which he had also put a tip.

I snuck a glance over at how much he had left for a tip on his card, and my mouth dropped open.

Me: James... you know you're leaving like a 50% tip, right?
James: Oh... well... I like to tip well. I know how shitty it can be to be a waiter.

While he meant well (apparently), it was an inappropriate gesture from someone who was working at a minimum wage job while he looked for a job in his actual field.

Me: Um... but 50% is a LOT.
James: Yeah, you're right.

At that point, he pocketed our cash, and still left the waitress with a 30% tip.


Don't get me wrong, it's nice to tip well at a restaurant. Once I have a job with which I can support myself, I will tip higher. At the moment, the most a poor college student can afford to tip is 15-18%.

A Fucking Weird Non-Hookup

One night, my friend Tony invited me to a party at his frat. The party was beach-themed, so I did my best to look smokin' hot. My then-long hair was slightly tousled as if by the wind, and I was wearing a pink bikini top and sarong bottom.

I arrived at the party and found Tony.

Tony: Woooo Veronica! Great outfit!! *high five* Meet my friends!

Tony then introduced me to five people, and then said he had to go man the back door for awhile. So the other five people and I all decided to stand in a circle and talk to each other. It turned out that the others hadn't known each other either, so we were all on the same page.

After a few minutes, one of the guys in the group, Sonny, asked me to dance. He was really cute in a polo shirt sort of way.

At first, the two of us were still talking as we danced. Then, the dancing became pretty hot. Then, we started making out.

Sonny and I spent the whole party together. When we got tired of dancing, we would go out back to visit Tony. Sonny got me a drink and we walked around arm in arm, chatting.

Then, the party ended. Sonny asked me if I had plans for after the party. I told him that I was going to meet up with Joanna at a pizza place, and invited him to come along.

We all went to the pizza place, and Joanna told us that she could get us into a different party. Sonny considered coming along, but then decided to head home. He explained that he lived with two of his friends that are girls.

Sonny: I really should get back to the girls. They're probably wondering where I am..
Me: Okay. Well, it was really nice meeting you.

Sonny kissed me one last time before leaving.

The next day, Sonny friend-requested me on Facebook. This is great! I thought. He didn't have sex with me last night because he is interested in dating me.

The only problem? Sonny never talked to me again. Ever. I told the whole story to Tony, and he was also confused about Sonny's behavior. He told Sonny that he had seen him making out with me, and asked Sonny what the deal was; Sonny replied that he had just been looking to have a good time. Then why, Tony asked me, would he not have led me into the bedroom?

Fucking hell. Guys are weird as shit.