A Fucking Weird Hookup

Men never cease to confuse me. I was talking to my friend Sam one day, and he was attempting to explain to me the foreign species of the Y-chromosome:

Sam: Veronica, it's simple. Men want sex. Everything they do, they do so that they can have sex. You girls are the confusing ones.

Um, right. That explains why Sam was completely stumped by the following tale:

So I had gone to the club one night with Maggie. It was a Thursday, but hardly anyone was out on account of it being final exam week. There was another group of about five people that was out on the dance floor, and Maggie and I joined them and we were all dancing together.

Then, the club announced that it was closing early because there wasn't anybody there. The other group decided to hit up a different bar, and one of the guys invited Maggie and me to join them.

Maggie was leaving town in a few days, so she decided to head home in order to pack up her apartment. I had been having fun, so I decided to join the other group at the bar.

Once at the bar, some random dude bought me a pitcher of an EXTREMELY strong drink. Needless to say, I got pretty fucked up.

At that point, one of the guys from the group started making out with me. He also was helping me finish my drink, because obviously I couldn't. Simultaneously, he kept putting my hand on top of his dick, and then saying, "Stop touching my dick. Seriously." That was a little weird, but whatever.

Once the drink was almost gone, he told me to leave the bar with him to get some food. On the way, I told him that I had work at 7 am the next morning (it was almost 2 am). He took out his phone and said, "Ok, well I'll set my alarm for six."

Ok, dude gets props for that one. Not only was it smooth on his part, but it was also considerate.

Then, we got to the pizza place, and he insisted on paying for my food. He again kept mentioning how I "could not keep my hands off of his dick" and I would respond by saying, "Shut up, you know you liked it."

So we were sitting eating the pizza, and then he told me that he wanted to leave. I said, "I'm not done yet!" and he said we could bring the pizza along. So we left, and we walked through a parking garage. It was deserted, so we started getting it on in there. I asked him if he wanted to come back to my apartment, and he agreed.

After that was when things got weird(er).

We got to my apartment, and he set the pizza on my desk. "This is MY pizza," he said. "Don't let me forget it in the morning because I'll be really pissed."

Um, actually. Some of it was my pizza. It's not my fault that he insisted on paying for mine.

Anyway, we were making out on my bed, and then he asked me if I had a condom. I said yes, and he got it out of my dresser.

However, instead of having sex with me, he decided to jerk HIMSELF off over my FACE, and then he came all over my BOOBS.

That was just fucking rude. Not to mention gross.

And then he just abruptly left, taking the pizza on the way out.


Ok seriously, I do not understand what happened here. First of all, as Sam told me, guys will do anything to have sex. Second of all, he made it seem like he was going to spend the night with me when he said "I'll set my alarm for six" and "Don't let me forget the pizza tomorrow."

So what happened?

Stuffed if I ever find out.

How to Tell a Friend That You Like Her

Ok folks, follow these tips from my friend Al on how to let your friend know that you want to fuck her brains out.

Al and I have been friends since freshman year of college. Apparently, he liked me when we were freshman, but didn't ask me out because I started dating Elton.

Al is a computer science major, so I ask him for advice whenever I'm having a computer problem of some sort (which actually happens quite frequently...).

One night, I was super stressed out about this fucking lab that I had to finish for the next day. Excel wasn't cooperating, which made it all the more frustrating. I called Al and asked him if he knew how to fix the problem, and he came over to my dorm room to help me out.

After Al fixed the problem in about five minutes, he proceeded to stay in my room talking to me. For THREE FUCKING HOURS.

I kept trying to subtly kick him out by saying things to the effect of, "So I should probably get back to this..." "This is going to take me FOREVER to finish, I'm probably going to have to pull an all-nighter..." "I'm so tired right now, I pulled an all-nighter last night..."

And yet, he still did not get the hint that I wanted him to fucking LEAVE my room so that I could finish my work.

As a result, I actually did have to pull an all-nighter to finish the lab. It was my second all-nighter in a row, and I was pretty pissed at Al for taking three hours to socialize with me at that moment.

Then after Al FINALLY left, and went back to his room, he sent me an IM:

Al: I know that you said that you have a lot of work to do. But I was thinking that we should take a walk...
Me: Um.... I'm too busy for that.

Isn't that a great way to get the girl? Not listening to her when she says she has tons of shit to do? Making her pull an all-nighter? I thought so.

Me: Anyway, I heard that Ross is single again, so I think I should pursue him. I don't actively like him at the moment, but I should snap him up before some other girl does.
Al: I hate how there are more attractive guys that get the girl over the smarter ones.
Me: ...Well honestly, I think it's your acne's problem, not yours.

At that point, Al got furious with me. Apparently he had been seeing a dermatologist regularly for 6 years, and none of the products worked to clear up his acne. Oops. He has such poor hygiene that I thought he wasn't properly taking care of his skin. It's not my fault that his ex, Gia, confided to me that he only took sporadic 3-minute showers.

Whatever. At least I took care of that problem. I really was not interested in Al at all romantically.

How to Debase a Girl

In summer 2011, I dated a guy named Jay. For FOUR DAYS. Isn't that fucking great?

I met Jay through Joanna, Lola, and Kelsey. We all went out to dinner one night, and their friend Kayla and her ex-boyfriend joined us at the restaurant. Kayla and Jay were still best friends, even though they were not dating anymore.

Anyway, there were instant sparks between me and Jay as soon as we made eye contact across the table. Me, Joanna, and Lola were throwing a party that night at our apartment, and I invited Jay to come along.

At the party, Jay and I danced a lot and ended up kissing. After awhile, he and I retired to my bedroom and began exploring each other.

Jay told me that he liked how I told him what I liked and what I didn't. When I told him that it hurts me when a guy uses lots of pressure on my clitoris, he came up with a creative solution and fingered me through my panties.

Oh. My. God. That was pretty mind-blowing.

I also told him that I had never reached the Big O before. Jay responded by saying, "Well Veronica, I can't wait to explore you. You're so hot. I will do whatever it takes to get you to that point."

The next day, Jay asked me out on a date. We went to an Italian restaurant and split a pizza. Afterward, we went for coffee and talked. We had a great time, and we had a lot of common interests. It was the start of a great relationship, or so I thought.

Two days later, it was the Summer Solstice; I had originally planned a party for that day, but I ended up canceling it because I twisted my ankle on the way home from work. Jay came over to my apartment and was being very sweet, getting me something to drink as I was icing my ankle, and giving me a shoulder massage. We watched a movie, and then he asked me to play my viola for him.

Then, we ended up having sex, and after that was when everything went wrong.

Jay said, "Veronica, I have to break up with you. My dick doesn't work around you, and I feel like my body is trying to tell me something."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Everything had been going so well that I was shocked by his announcement.

And okay, I knew that guys thought with their dicks, but I didn't realize that they use their dicks as DECISION MAKING TOOLS. What a fucking asshole. So much for his promise to "do everything possible to help me reach the Big O."

Jay: I know you're gonna cry. I can stay here and cry with you. Me and Kayla have crying parties all the time together.

Suck it Jay. I have no interest in participating in some fuck-ass ritual that you do with your ex-girlfriend.

Needless to say, I was devastated. And extremely pissed off. While I admit that what he did was better than leading me on, it still really sucked. He made me feel like he only used me for sex, even though he took me out on a date and was interested in my life. He made me feel like I was unattractive and/or that I wasn't good at sex, because he said his dick didn't work around me, even though he kept telling me how hot he thought I was. He made me think that all men are evil, and that they make girls think that they are actually interested in dating them only so that they could have sex.

A few days later, at work, my coworker Carl noticed the change in me.

Carl: Yo Veronica. Where did the mouth come from? You're making me uncomfortable.

Well, Carl, and everyone else, I now talk like a dirty sailor. This is the reason why.

Be Clear, If You Are Gay, Part 1: Patricio

I have had my fair share of trysts with gay men. For instance, the first guy that I ever loved, Patricio, turned out to be gay. Then, my date for Jr. Prom, Jim, turned out to be gay. Thackary, a friend of mine who I thought was gay, started making out with me at a bar. And I'm pretty sure that last summer, I was the third wheel at a movie with this guy I liked, Jackson, and his flamboyantly gay "friend" (but I'll get to all that).

So what gives? Did I just have horribly awful gay-dar? Was I completely oblivious to the fact that these men were gay, due to being blind-sighted by love?

I don't think so. At least, not completely. There was definitely some wishful thinking on my part, because I liked them and didn't WANT them to be gay. But despite that, these men all flirted with me and did things that would suggest that they liked me as more than just the reverse Gay Best Friend.

Patricio

I was in love with Patricio from seventh grade to ninth grade. He played the cello so well that every note was sensual and seductive. As Jim and I later discussed, Patricio's cello playing was better than sex.

Anyway, Patricio and I became good friends. In seventh grade, he told me that he liked this girl named Latasha that was in our grade in school. This led me to believe that he was straight, because back then I didn't know that sometimes a guy can be straight before turning out to be gay.

Later, in ninth grade, he would make sure to find me in the morning every day before classes started, and we would walk around and talk and flirt and I would stare mesmerized into his eyes, which always glittered when he looked at me. We were also in the same gym class, and he told me that he wanted me to be his "workout buddy."

As if that weren't enough, he didn't even give me a straight answer when I told him that I liked him:

Me: I have to tell you something...
Patricio: Yeah (said right away)
Me: I... like you.
Patricio: Oh! *pause* That made my day!

What a jerk for leading me on. He should have just said that he wasn't interested in me. But then he had to go and specially invite me to one of his seductive cello performances. An offer which I was incapable of refusing.

I continued to love Patricio for a very long time. The story ended when the following year, he packed up and went to a prestigious boarding school for musicians, and he made no effort to keep in touch with any of his old friends. And then I found out that he was gay.

Which is really too bad, because we could have made beautiful... music together.

Prick.

Run From A Family That Does This

There's no way to ruin a good relationship quite like having it ruined by your guy's family (as well as, in part, by your own).

Elton and I dated for almost a year, and the last three months of it were over the summer. It was long distance on account of the fact that we went to school together, but I was from Boston and he was from Harrisburg.

For those of you who haven't done it before, long distance sucks a fat long cock. Elton and I would talk on the phone three times a day, and he would start to resent me for taking up so much of his time. We argued a lot on the phone as a result. Because of this, my parents were threatening to take away my cell phone (way to go guys-- make a girl miss her man even more by cutting off all contact with him).

Lucky for me, Elton had invited me to come with him and his family to California, where his grandparents lived. It was supposed to be a fun time; but it wasn't.

The day that I got there, everyone left to pick up Elton's sister from the airport, besides me and his grandparents. I was a little jet-lagged, and so I wanted to rest a little bit. The problem? His grandparents thought that they were alone, and Elton's grandmother took the opportunity to yell at her husband at the top of her lungs for a good 30 minutes, on account of the fact that he has Alzheimer's and makes mistakes such as turning the wrong lights on and off.

Welcome to California, indeed.

The next day, we went out for the day and had a pretty good time. The trouble came around dinner time, when Elton's mom started freaking out. Apparently we were going to a fancy restaurant for dinner, and she had failed to tell us about it until after I had gotten dressed that morning. I was not dressed appropriately for the restaurant, but I had brought clothes to change into. What had been a fine solution that morning was no longer okay, and his mom told me that I had to change my shirt IN THE CAR. WITH HIS WHOLE FAMILY IN IT.

I refused, because that was really not okay.

Even Elton's sister was horrible. Elton's mom had taught me how to knit before, but I had forgotten how to do it. I was trying to do it again, and Elton's mom had told Elton's sister to help refresh my memory. After awhile, she just sighed and said, "Mom, she just doesn't remember. She should watch videos on Youtube to learn how to do it."

Um, excuse me. I never said that I was the knitting queen. Your snottiness is unappreciated, bitch.

What's more, Elton and I were having an argument about how much the BART was costing us. The BART is ridiculously expensive compared to the public transportation in other cities. In Boston, one ride costs me $1.75, and I can go anywhere through the whole T system. In San Francisco, the BART costs are based on how far you go, with sky-high prices: a ride one way costs $4 each time. With the ridiculous amount of times that Elton's parents had told us to BART back to his grandparents' house, when they wanted to stay out later and would just drive back, I was really frustrated and had already spent about $60 on public transportation.

Anyway, apparently Elton's sister had heard us fighting. When the grandmother asked her where we were, Elton's sister said, "Oh, they're in the basement fighting."

First of all, it would have been one thing if the grandmother had heard us fighting. But she hadn't. Second of all, why would you tell your grandmother that your brother and his girlfriend are fighting?

Again, what a bitch.

As you can see, Elton's family is pretty lousy. I also had to deal with them being stupid on the occasion that I visited them at their house in Harrisburg for the weekend once.

As soon as I got there, his mom started bitching about how messy their house is (um, I don't really care about a messy house) and made Elton start cleaning it.

...Ok, if you were going to make him clean it, why wouldn't you have done that BEFORE I got there? I just drove 8 hours to see my boyfriend, and now you're making him clean the fucking house. Great.

Later, we discovered that it was Free Cone day at Friendly's, so we decided to go there. The only problem? When we went to tell his parents that we were going, they didn't let us go because "we hadn't told them about it ahead of time" even though we had just found out about it.

I've also had to deal with his mom shouting at Elton and his dad while I was in the same room. I guess it runs in the family... but really, I didn't come so far to be treated like this.

As if to make up for her horrible behavior, every time I saw Elton's mom, she would always give me a gift of some kind. This made me really uncomfortable. I didn't want a gift each time, and I certainly didn't want that to be the basis for liking Elton's family.


Moral of the story: NEVER date a guy who's family you can't stand. It just will not work.

Hygiene, Part 2

Guys with long hair; sexy, or not?

For a guy with long hair to be sexy, the hair must pass four requirements:

1) Hair must be soft
2) Hair must be clean
3) Hair must be touchable
4) Hair must look good

Otherwise, you hereby forfeit your rights to having long hair!


My ex James had terrible hair. It looked so horrible and greasy that I didn't want to touch it. Ever. We were making out one night on his bed and his hair kept falling all over me.

James: You're not touching my hair!
Me: Um... yeah.
James: When a girl touches my hair, it drives me wild.

Well, good luck with that one James. First you need presentable hair before I will willingly touch it.

Anyway, it was so gross. I wonder if guys feel the same way about girls' hair touching them during a make-out or sex session. In any case, I'm glad that I have short fucking hair, because I wouldn't want to inflict that torture on anybody else.

In fact, even perfect strangers do it. Just yesterday I was on a fucking four hour bus ride, and the girl next to me was falling asleep in such a way that her hair kept brushing my shoulder. And then there are those women who sit in front of you on busses and have their hair cascading down the back of the fucking seat, and you have to stare at their fucking hair for four hours.

So therefore I revise my earlier statement to also include girls, although most of the girls whose hair gets everywhere actually have well-kept hair.

In conclusion, a PERSON'S long hair must first pass all the four requirements of sexy hair, and second it must be tied back or contained somehow so it doesn't get all over the fucking place and bother everyone sitting next to you (or having sex with you).

How to Reject a Girl

Okay guys, take note: this is EXACTLY what you should do when a girl asks you out and you aren't interested.

For some time, I had a crush on this guy Nick. Nick was my "type:" tall, lanky, with dark brown hair, brown eyes, and pale skin. Oh, and he was completely gorgeous.

Nick also played the double bass. How sexy. Not only did he play in orchestra, but he also played in my school's top jazz band. Even sexier; Nick was a JAZZ bassist. As a side note, I've determined that I'm either going to marry a bass player or a saxophone player. Those are the two sexiest instruments. And jazz music gets me so hot.

Anyway, Nick was friends with my good friends Ashton and Maggie (they also play bass). Something you should know about Ashton-- he tells it like it is and doesn't hold back. He's the perfect friend to go to when you need advice because he will just give it to you straight, without any bullshit.

So I told Ashton that I really liked Nick, and asked him what I should do about it. Ashton said, "Whenever a girl asks me this question, I always respond with the same answer: ask him out. But for some reason, none of them ever take my advice."

Well, I was determined to change that. I was with Ashton in the bass room one afternoon when Nick came in. Nick and Ashton started talking. My mind was racing as I built up some courage. Ashton was there with me and I knew he supported me, so I just went for it.

Me: Hey Nick. Wanna go out for dinner sometime?
Nick: No.

Um. Okay. Kind of harsh, but whatever. I decided to keep talking to make it seem less horrible.

Me: Oh, because you're just too busy, right?
Nick: Right.
Me: Alright, well I'll see you guys later.


So this was actually fine. There was no bullshit in his answer, he was straight with me. I was disappointed that he wasn't interested, but at least I had tried.

It wasn't over yet, though.

That very same night, I went to dinner at one of the dining commons with Kelsey and Amanda. And who should I see there, but Nick, Ashton, and Maggie.

They came in after me, and I know that they saw me because I was in front of them in the line. Also, afterward I talked about it with Maggie. She had been horrified to learn that I had asked him out earlier in the day and he had rejected me. She also said that Nick had been actively avoiding someone, but she hadn't known at the time that it was me.

Anyway, Nick chose to say nothing to me. He completely ignored me.

He, Ashton, and Maggie sat down on the opposite side of the dining hall from me, and they were there for the same amount of time as me.

I couldn't believe it! Nick was such a fucking dick. He had told me he was too busy to have dinner with me, and here he was at the same dinner place, at the same time, for the same amount of time, and he ignored me.

And that, my friends, is the best way to reject a girl.

A Driving Lesson

One night at the club, a cute guy named Ron started dancing with me. We had great chemistry, and after some sultry dancing to a good number of songs, we were kissing on the dance floor.

Ron stopped dancing and pulled me out onto the back patio. We promptly started making out and getting busy against the back railing.

Pretty soon, we realized that we had better get the fuck out of there before we were laced with fines for indecency and exposure. Ron had driven his car to the club, so we got inside and started to drive back to my place.

The only problem?

Ron was so fucking drunk that he turned the wrong way down a ONE WAY STREET. Cars were honking at us and blinking the shit out of us to try to get our attention.

Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING??! THIS IS A ONE WAY STREET!!
Ron: Oh yeah. Oops!

But instead of turning down the next cross-street, he kept on driving down the street anyway. Luckily we made it back to my place in one piece. If he had killed me, I would have come back as a ghost and haunted the fuck out of him.

Then to make matters worse, he promptly fell asleep on my bed.

In spite of this, it wasn't a complete failure; we had some great morning sex the next day.

Club Ettiquette

Okay, let's get something straight. When I'm at a club, and I'm dancing with you, that does not necessarily mean that I'm into you. Nor does it necessarily mean that I think you're hot. I just like to fucking dance, damn it! Sheesh.

So I was at the club one night with my friends Bill, Joanna, and Lola. FYI, Bill was totally into me but I only liked him as a friend.

Anyway, some old dude came up to me and asked me if I wanted to dance. Old Dude had to have been at least forty, which was twice my age. I agreed for two reasons: 1) because I felt uncomfortable dancing with Bill, on account of the fact that I'm not sexually attracted to him at all, and 2) because I just wanted to fucking dance and have a great time.

So I was dancing with Old Dude for awhile, and he was a pretty decent dancer. Then he asked me where people here go to smoke. I told him either out back or in the front. Old Dude asked me if I wanted a smoke as well, and I agreed.

Old Dude took my hand and pulled me out the back entrance. However, instead of stopping and smoking, like he told me we were going to, he kept going. He pulled me into some abandoned parking lot, pushed me up against the side of a brick building, and started making out with me and fingering me.

Me: .................................. wtf I just wanted a smoke..
Old Dude: Want me to make you come? Yeah? Yeah?

For the record, Old Dude used WAY too much pressure on the clit. It hurt like fuck.

I pulled away from Old Dude and power-walked back inside the club.

I saw Joanna first.

Joanna: Veronica!!! Where did you go?? We couldn't find you!
Me: Some Old Dude took me out to the parking lot... >.> <.<

Then I saw Bill, and I started dancing with him. Lucky for me, it just so happened that this other dude I knew, Nate, was nearby on the dance floor. Nate also had a crush on me, for the record.

So what did I do? I danced with both Nate AND Bill at the same time; Nate in front, Bill in back. That way, when Old Dude finally found me again on the dance floor, he had no way to even get near me.

Take that, asshat.

Ladies, Listen To Your Instincts

One night, I hooked up with this guy Steve. Let me start out by saying that Steve has a HUGE dick. As in, I need both of my hands to correctly portray its circumference. It's so huge, that it doesn't fit in my vagina. Unfortunately. My vagina is just too tight to accommodate that shit.

But anyway, Steve invited me back to his place for a second try at accommodation. It worked slightly better than the time before, when we were hooking up on the sink in Lola and Joanna's bathroom, but it was nowhere near pleasurable.

Afterward, I asked Steve where his bathroom was. Steve lived in the basement room of his apartment, and he had some roommates. He told me that it was up the stairs and to the right.

I went to gather a blanket around myself, but Steve said, "You don't need that. There's nobody home."

I shrugged and replied, "Better safe than sorry."

I held the blanket in place as I went up the stairs. As soon as I got to the top, the front door opened and about ten people came inside. I dashed into the bathroom, glad that I had listened to my instincts but also slightly embarrassed for wearing questionable attire.

Lesson learned: never walk naked in a guy's apartment, unless he lives alone and the door is locked.

Corny and Unbelievably Sappy Things That Guys Do/Say, Part 2

So you remember James, right? My ex-boyfriend who couldn't cross the street. Well, in addition to that particular failure, he was couldn't flirt to save his life. Or respond to my flirting. Which kills a long-distance relationship.

Case 1:

Me: Now I'm really horny.
James: Well that was random.

Um. Okay. That is probably one of the worst responses that a boyfriend has ever given to that statement in history. Total boner-shrinker (well... wetness-evaporator, in my case).


Case 2:

Me: I'm getting tan, but me tan = normal person
James: Well, I'll be the judge of that. :3
Me: I like where this is going... :P
James: Well I can't judge that. I don't think, at least.

Yeah... wtf. Another wetness-evaporator.


But nothing can be as bad as Case 3:

Me: Well, here in Utah there's a fire ban, so I probably won't get to see fireworks for the 4th.
James: Well next week when I see you, I'm sure we'll be making some fireworks of our own.


...............................................

That is probably THE most sappy, corny, dumb thing I have ever heard in my life. Did he actually think that that was an acceptable way to flirt? Smh what a dumbass.

Red Flags That the Guy You Just Met is a Creeper, Part 2

The following story describes how NOT to act at a club.

So I went to the club one night with my friends Joanna, Lola, and Kelsey. We were having a fun time dancing and seeing how many guys' numbers we would end up with by the end of the night.

Then I started dancing with a dude named Roland. I danced with him for awhile, but then I got bored. I excused myself, saying, "I'm gonna go use the bathroom."

Any smart guy knows that that phrase is code for, "I don't want to dance with you anymore."

However, Roland was far from smart. He decided to follow me to the restroom and wait for me outside (Red Flag #1). What a dumbass.

And what a fucking creep. Nobody waits for a girl right OUTSIDE the bathroom. The guy is supposed to stay in the same area, so the girl can find him again afterward.

When I came outside, I tried to walk past him to find Joanna, Lola, and Kelsey. He stopped me by saying that he had wanted to get my phone number.

I gave it to him, thinking it would make him get the fuck away from me. It didn't. He kept following me all around the club (Red Flag #2). I finally found Joanna, Lola, and Kelsey, and they led me back into the bathroom, and I explained to them what was going on. We left the club shortly after.

The story wasn't over yet.

The next semester, Roland sent me a Facebook friend request (Red Flag #3). The message that came with his request was a long paragraph, and essentially said something like, "Hey Veronica, I had so much fun dancing with you at the club last spring. I hope to see you there again this fall."

First of all, I never gave him my last name. So how the fuck did he find me on Facebook??!

Second of all, why would he wait five fucking months to send me a friend request??

Immediately, I denied the weirdo's request. I saw, however, that we had a mutual friend: my ex-boyfriend Elton's best friend, Dan.

As it turned out, Dan and I were taking the same biology class in the fall. We would sit together sometimes in class, but we weren't good friends-- my history with Elton made it awkward.

Anyway, I unfortunately ran into Roland again at the club that fall. After saying hi to me, he had this to say:

Roland: So how do you know Dan? (Red Flag #4)
Roland: Are you taking Bio 110 this semester??! (Red Flag #5)
Me: O_______o Leave me alone, Roland

The next day in Bio, I talked to Dan about what had happened with that creep Roland. Dan said, "Wow, okay. I'll talk some sense into him."

And thanks to Dan, Roland left me alone.

~*~

When I told this story to my good friend Tony, he laughed, shook his head, and said, "Jeez Veronica. Why did you give him your number??? You should've given him a fake one. Or Jonny's."

HAHAHAHAHA. Jonny would've been in for a surprise, that's for sure. Imagine that.

Corny and Unbelievably Sappy Things That Guys Do/Say, Part 1

About a week after I met Jonny, he was in the area by my dorm and asked if he could come in and hang out for awhile. I hesitantly agreed, but figured that maybe we could still be friends. After all, we did have a lot in common, and he was friends with Kristine.

When Jonny got to my room, we started talking about books we like. I said, "Here, let me show you the books that I have."

I kept my books on the window ledge next to my bed, because there was no bookshelf in my room. Unfortunately, Jonny decided that "let me show you my books" meant "leap onto my bed and sit there awkwardly."

Ugh. How fucking awkward. I mean, it would have been one thing if Jonny had gotten on my bed as a natural movement to inspect a book more closely. But instead, Jonny just sat there cross-legged, not even facing the books, with the obvious intention of luring me up onto the bed.

Luckily, at that moment, my good friend Laura gave me a call. She and her friend Brad from school often call me when they are drunk, and they can be very entertaining. I took the call, and went out to sit in my common room. Jonny followed me out there and sat in the chair next to mine while I talked to Laura for 30 minutes.

Then, Jonny became even more awkward; he picked up my hands and started rubbing them and trying to hold them. Um... okay. We are not dating here, Jonny. I'm not even interested in you at this point. You should've got the picture when I didn't join you on my bed, or if not then, at least you should've got it when I took a long phone call while you were over, so that I could ignore you.

After I hung up with Laura, Jonny decided to have "the talk" with me.

Jonny: Do you feel that?
Me: Feel... what..?
Jonny: That when we look into each other's eyes, something might happen?


Oh. My. God. So. Unbelievably. Corny. Sappy overload. Get the fuck away from me.

Me: Sorry Jonny, I just got out of a long-term relationship. I'm not ready to start a new one.
Jonny: I understand. I only saw Elton for 2 seconds in the hall just now, but he was such a dick.


Ha... okay.

Red Flags That the Guy You Just Met is a Creeper

Establishing a good first impression is extremely important when you meet someone new.

Take this dude Jonny, for example. Jonny and I met through a mutual friend, Kristine. Kristine and I were good friends, and ate lunch together almost every day. One day, Kristine invited Jonny along to lunch.

At first, we hit it off well. We seemingly had a lot in common, and thought the same jokes were funny. Things with Jonny were off to a good start, until they good weird. And then downright freaky.


I'm a music major, and I'm in my school's philharmonic orchestra. As it turned out, I had to leave lunch to go to rehearsal. However, instead of saying he would call me later and then leaving, like any normal guy would have done, Jonny decided to follow me to my rehearsal. He said he would wait for my rehearsal to be done, so that two hours later, we could hang out immediately (Red Flag #1).

I thought that that was really fucking weird. You don't just follow a girl you just met to her orchestra rehearsal and then stay there for the whole thing. Fucking weirdo.

Luckily, Jonny didn't end up staying for my rehearsal. He walked with me to the music building, and then decided to leave at the last minute. I breathed a sigh of relief after he left.

Unfortunately, the fun wasn't over yet. When I got home that evening, Jonny sent me a Facebook friend request. I thought about it and decided to accept it; after all, he was friends with my good friend, Kristine, which lead me to give him the benefit of the doubt.

A little while later, Jonny started chatting with me on Facebook. This is how it went down:

Jonny: So do you prefer the top or the bottom? (Red Flag #2)

I was completely taken aback. Did he just ask me that??! I've only known this fucker for less than a day.

Me: ...Neither
Jonny: ;)

And then:

Me: I'm so bored that I'm playing with my bottle of ibuprofen.
Jonny: I'll give you something else to play with... (Red Flag #3)

Again, what the fuck. This creep needed to get his act together.


After this conversation, I talked with Kristine about Jonny. Kristine said, "Well, it might be okay if he didn't try to do this with every girl he meets." (Red Flag #4)

Kristine then proceeded to tell me the dirt on Jonny and his ex. Apparently, the girl had tried to give him a blow job, but couldn't fit his dick in her mouth. Jonny broke up with her the next day (Red Flag #5).

Wow, what a fucking dick.


Two years later, I unexpectedly ran into Jonny at my friend Ashton's party. Jonny was there hitting on my other friend, Maggie (Red Flag #5). I didn't warn her about Jonny because I felt bad about always stealing her guys. Anyway, when Maggie wanted to leave the party, Jonny walked her home. Then, he came back to the party. Only a weirdo creep-loser would come back to a party for someone he didn't know very well, after leaving it to walk a girl home. If he had been smart at all, he would have known that if he hadn't come back to the party, he would've at least saved his public appearance of getting the girl. Totally shaking my head at that one.



Needless to say, Jonny and I never dated or hooked up. There is more to the story, but that will be related in the next post: Corny and Unbelievably Sappy Things That Guys Do/Say, Part 1.

Hygiene, Part 1

It is always beneficial to practice good hygiene, in particular when you are in any type of sexual relationship.

Here's why:

You will be sticking your fingers into a girl's VAGINA. Girls can get both infections and injuries down there. So your fingers had better be fucking clean and well-maintained.

Unfortunately, a guy that I once hooked up with, Alex, was unaware of the concept of good finger-hygiene. Alex had really long fingernails. And by long, I mean more than an inch. I don't understand why he thought they were cool, because really, they looked retarded and hurt like fuck. Getting fingered by him felt like I was getting stabbed with a knife and butchered.

When Alex wanted to hook up with me a second time, I agreed (the sex had been amazing) on the condition that he cut his fingernails. And know what he did? He cut them all short, except the thumbs, which he left in their inch-and-a-half-long state. He then proceeded to finger me with his thumbs instead of with his newly hygienic other fingers.

...and I thought guys couldn't get any more dumb. I guess I was wrong.

Crossing the Street

It might be smart if you actually knew how to cross the street before going out with a girl. You would think it would be obvious, because we learned how to cross the street in kindergarten, but apparently, some guys need a refresher.

How to Cross the Street
1. Approach the street
2. Look both ways
3. Cross

or

1. Approach the street
2. See the walk sign
3. Cross

My ex-boyfriend, James, could not seem to be able to cross the street. He would walk up to the street and stop there for 5 minutes watching cars approach the intersection, when there was a walk sign that clearly said that it was okay to cross. What a dumbass.

Setting the Mood

I once hooked up with a guy named Tom Honolulu, and he knew EXACTLY what to do to set the right mood.

Tom texted me late one night to see if he could come over. Not only did he arrive half an hour later than we planned, but he promptly went into my bathroom to take a shit (Mood Killer #1). It's one thing if you are already at my place for a few hours, and THEN take a shit there. That would be okay (maybe). But Tom, seriously. If you were going to be late anyway, and if the first thing you were going to do was take a shit, you should have done it somewhere else.

Once he finally came out of my bathroom, a very long time later, I put on a movie. I decided to let the taking-a-shit thing go. After awhile, we started making out. Then, it became more than making out. However, as Tom was fingering me, he started farting (Mood Killer #2). Multiple times. If it had happened once, and he had excused himself, I would have forgiven it (maybe). But farting multiple times as you're simultaneously fingering a girl? Was this dude on crack, or what?

As if that wasn't enough, then he started licking and slobbering all over my face (Mood Killer #3). Gross gross gross.

Tom had asked me if he could stay the night, because he lived far away from me and the busses would stop running. Unfortunately, I had agreed to this. So to put a stop to his disgusting excuse of a turn-on, I told Tom that I was tired, needed to get up early, and wanted to sleep.

He said that that was okay with him, because he hadn't brought a condom anyway (Mood Killer #4). If you text a girl late at night, wouldn't you think to remember to bring a condom with you? What else do you think is going to happen with a girl late at night?

I turned away from him on my side, and he became the big spoon. Not only was he radiating sweltering hot body heat (Mood Killer #5), but he also apparently shaved his man-parts; the stubble was scratchy (Mood Killer #6).

Then, instead of letting me sleep, Tom spent a good amount of time fondling my boobs and ass (Mood Killer #7). First of all, you didn't bring a condom, you dumbass. What good is any fondling going to do for you? Second of all, I told you that I needed fucking SLEEP, which I can't do if you're running your hands all over my body.

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I kicked him out at 5 am. He protested, because his bus wouldn't start running for another 2.5 hours. But I was far beyond caring.


After that night, I promptly deleted Tom's number from my phone. A few months later, he texted me and asked if he had seen me walking somewhere.

Me: Who is this?
Tom: It's Tom Honolulu. I would hope that you would remember me?
Me: *No Response*

Yeah Tom, I remember you. I shake my head and laugh.

Pilot

Alright guys, listen up. I'm tired of all the bullshit in the dating world, and it's time for someone to do something about it. In this blog, I will relate completely ridiculous, 100% true experiences that I've had with men. The stories will speak for themselves about the dumbass, utterly absurd things that men do sometimes, but I will also point out that there is good news for any male viewers: the stories that you see on this site, represent what you should NOT do, ever, unless you want your girl and all of her friends laughing at you for the rest of their lives.

All names have been changed.