Setting the Mood

I once hooked up with a guy named Tom Honolulu, and he knew EXACTLY what to do to set the right mood.

Tom texted me late one night to see if he could come over. Not only did he arrive half an hour later than we planned, but he promptly went into my bathroom to take a shit (Mood Killer #1). It's one thing if you are already at my place for a few hours, and THEN take a shit there. That would be okay (maybe). But Tom, seriously. If you were going to be late anyway, and if the first thing you were going to do was take a shit, you should have done it somewhere else.

Once he finally came out of my bathroom, a very long time later, I put on a movie. I decided to let the taking-a-shit thing go. After awhile, we started making out. Then, it became more than making out. However, as Tom was fingering me, he started farting (Mood Killer #2). Multiple times. If it had happened once, and he had excused himself, I would have forgiven it (maybe). But farting multiple times as you're simultaneously fingering a girl? Was this dude on crack, or what?

As if that wasn't enough, then he started licking and slobbering all over my face (Mood Killer #3). Gross gross gross.

Tom had asked me if he could stay the night, because he lived far away from me and the busses would stop running. Unfortunately, I had agreed to this. So to put a stop to his disgusting excuse of a turn-on, I told Tom that I was tired, needed to get up early, and wanted to sleep.

He said that that was okay with him, because he hadn't brought a condom anyway (Mood Killer #4). If you text a girl late at night, wouldn't you think to remember to bring a condom with you? What else do you think is going to happen with a girl late at night?

I turned away from him on my side, and he became the big spoon. Not only was he radiating sweltering hot body heat (Mood Killer #5), but he also apparently shaved his man-parts; the stubble was scratchy (Mood Killer #6).

Then, instead of letting me sleep, Tom spent a good amount of time fondling my boobs and ass (Mood Killer #7). First of all, you didn't bring a condom, you dumbass. What good is any fondling going to do for you? Second of all, I told you that I needed fucking SLEEP, which I can't do if you're running your hands all over my body.

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I kicked him out at 5 am. He protested, because his bus wouldn't start running for another 2.5 hours. But I was far beyond caring.


After that night, I promptly deleted Tom's number from my phone. A few months later, he texted me and asked if he had seen me walking somewhere.

Me: Who is this?
Tom: It's Tom Honolulu. I would hope that you would remember me?
Me: *No Response*

Yeah Tom, I remember you. I shake my head and laugh.