A Fucking Weird Hookup

Men never cease to confuse me. I was talking to my friend Sam one day, and he was attempting to explain to me the foreign species of the Y-chromosome:

Sam: Veronica, it's simple. Men want sex. Everything they do, they do so that they can have sex. You girls are the confusing ones.

Um, right. That explains why Sam was completely stumped by the following tale:

So I had gone to the club one night with Maggie. It was a Thursday, but hardly anyone was out on account of it being final exam week. There was another group of about five people that was out on the dance floor, and Maggie and I joined them and we were all dancing together.

Then, the club announced that it was closing early because there wasn't anybody there. The other group decided to hit up a different bar, and one of the guys invited Maggie and me to join them.

Maggie was leaving town in a few days, so she decided to head home in order to pack up her apartment. I had been having fun, so I decided to join the other group at the bar.

Once at the bar, some random dude bought me a pitcher of an EXTREMELY strong drink. Needless to say, I got pretty fucked up.

At that point, one of the guys from the group started making out with me. He also was helping me finish my drink, because obviously I couldn't. Simultaneously, he kept putting my hand on top of his dick, and then saying, "Stop touching my dick. Seriously." That was a little weird, but whatever.

Once the drink was almost gone, he told me to leave the bar with him to get some food. On the way, I told him that I had work at 7 am the next morning (it was almost 2 am). He took out his phone and said, "Ok, well I'll set my alarm for six."

Ok, dude gets props for that one. Not only was it smooth on his part, but it was also considerate.

Then, we got to the pizza place, and he insisted on paying for my food. He again kept mentioning how I "could not keep my hands off of his dick" and I would respond by saying, "Shut up, you know you liked it."

So we were sitting eating the pizza, and then he told me that he wanted to leave. I said, "I'm not done yet!" and he said we could bring the pizza along. So we left, and we walked through a parking garage. It was deserted, so we started getting it on in there. I asked him if he wanted to come back to my apartment, and he agreed.

After that was when things got weird(er).

We got to my apartment, and he set the pizza on my desk. "This is MY pizza," he said. "Don't let me forget it in the morning because I'll be really pissed."

Um, actually. Some of it was my pizza. It's not my fault that he insisted on paying for mine.

Anyway, we were making out on my bed, and then he asked me if I had a condom. I said yes, and he got it out of my dresser.

However, instead of having sex with me, he decided to jerk HIMSELF off over my FACE, and then he came all over my BOOBS.

That was just fucking rude. Not to mention gross.

And then he just abruptly left, taking the pizza on the way out.


Ok seriously, I do not understand what happened here. First of all, as Sam told me, guys will do anything to have sex. Second of all, he made it seem like he was going to spend the night with me when he said "I'll set my alarm for six" and "Don't let me forget the pizza tomorrow."

So what happened?

Stuffed if I ever find out.